Since I came back from vacation, I have met my every day self again. I'm glad because it's an opportunity for positive change. What do I want to bring to this life I am living? This self has been a disappointment, at times. She makes mistakes. And she has made mistakes. When on retreat--my vacation--there was no external measure of myself. The environment was determined by others. When I was hiking in the woods, taking a hot tub or sauna, or taking a yoga program at Kripalu, everything was great and I was a self that I love. Even when I felt anger it was in a spiritual context. So I guess I got a vacation from feeling guilty, and now I feel like everything is my fault--just like a child who lacks the perspective that sees the bigger picture. I was aware of the divine blessing of vacation while it was happening, and mentally prepared for what I wanted on returning. But it's not always easy with the every day pressures and regrets to appreciate ones experience the way I could when I was on vacation. When I was on vacation I meditated every morning before breakfast and every night before bed. They have a nice meditation room at Kripalu.
So I know that I can do it, and I know I can be the self that I dream of. I just have to (want to) bring this self and sense of myself more fully into my every day life. It's just taking some effort. I know that I am blessed to have this opportunity to transform my world. I have seen a potential in myself. I saw a person I can be and someone I desperately want to be. This person feels deeply and can handle anything. This person is capable of deep healing. But to bring this forward into my every day life takes work. I hope I can do it.
With regular meditation I can give my woundedness the space it needs. Otherwise it seems to overpower my good intentions. When I'm not practicing as well I think I might be more likely to be acting out my shadow stuff. "Shadow" in this case referrs to hidden aspects of ones psyche... It can include things we are ashamed of, and things that don't fit in with the idea of who we think we are.
I am humbled as I witness how easily I can act out of my victim self. This is the part of me that believes that the actions of others have hurt me, and have limited my ability to have a life I want. This is the part that loses: "not again," it observes as I make a mistake or act imperfectly.
Prayer. Forgiveness. Practice. These are the tools.
I can do it.
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