I have men on the brain today. I took a hike of over 6 miles in the Berkshires, and what did I find myself thinking about? Men. Like I want one. There is actually a strong male presence at Kripalu. All kinds of men: older men in blue jeans, men in sweats, men in shorts, not just yoga dudes, men with round bellies, and with flatter bellies, men of different builds. Some came with wives or girlfriends. Some came alone. I'm glad to see the men showing up to do their yoga!
I feel like if I let someone get close to me again that they are going to REAM ME. How can I get over a fear like that? That's exactly how I felt after a significant relationship: reamed, emptied out, juice removed from the inside. And I'm sure that I can take responsibility for that. I didn't have the tools that I have now, so I projected way too much of myself onto a cute boy! Even though I'm sure that is true, I also have the FEAR. How can I trust enough to open my heart to a MAN?
At the same time if I can do it, and I think I can, it will be a major accomplishment. I think I will get great satisfaction out of cultivating a great relationship with someone. It will mean that I have come to peace with my father wound. 'Cuz that's a biggie... Yikes! Like, I'm sorry future dude! I am probably going to project unprocessed debris from childhood daddy stuff... 'Cause I'm human. No tabula rasa here... Gummed up psyche in this sweetheart super-bitch!
Gee, do you think that all this yoga I've been doing is bringing stuff up for me? And it's good because I can keep myself so busy in my daily life that I can avoid thinking about what I want. So it's good to see if I just give myself a little time to relax that I am actually a HUMAN WOMAN! Yeah! I am not just some yoga teaching, yoga obsessed computer program! Even though I DO LOVE YOGA!
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