A Labyrinth, a Gauntlet and The Science of Yoga by William J. Broad.

I love great science writing.

When I was in grade school Nana (who lived in another state) would always send me the Science Times section of The New York Times every week when she and Grampa were done with it. I think that's why I scored in the 97th percentile in the science section of the ACT standardized test I took when I was in high school. When I was in college, I consciously decided to pursue art because I thought my life might be more interesting socially, and I probably didn't believe in myself enough to take myself seriously. I feel certain that there were gender-related dynamics limiting my ability to imagine a future Brooks. And my chief advisors, Nana and Grampa, wanted me to be like my Mother, who had pursued art.

Now I'm a yoga teacher and writer. And a creative life-liver.

When I found out about The Science of Yoga, by William J. Broad, senior science writer for The New York Times, I was excited and immediately said "yes" to a preview copy from Simon & Schuster. I was also a bit hesitant to the content because of the colossal misstep in the Times’ presentation of the adapted excerpt from the book. It seemed to upset both teachers and students of yoga, and no matter how it affects sales of the book the preview held a rather alarmist and incomplete message.

But I found the book to be really interesting and informative, even if I don’t always agree with the way Mr. Broad extends non-yoga related data to make up numbers about yoga dangers. To be fair, “beauty parlor syndrome” where people have suffered from stroke after their head was thrown back in a sink at a beauty parlor has been compared to yoga in a few places, and Mr. Broad is also referring to the warnings and worries of a highly credentialed neurophysiologist (Mr. Russell) from 1972 regarding yoga and the danger of stroke. It is worthwhile to consider this information. I am definitely having more respect for the fascinating way that blood flows to the head.

In traversing the neck, the vertebral arteries go through a bony labyrinth that is quite unlike anything else in the body and quite different from the soft easy path that the carotids follow to the brain. The sides of each vertebra bulge outward to form loops of bone, and the arteries penetrate these loops successively in moving upward. The left and right vertebral arteries enter this gauntlet at C6 and run through the loops until they reach the top of the neck, at which point they start to zig and zag back and forth as they move towards the skull. Between C2 andC1, they usually bend forward, and then, upon exiting the bony rings of C1, usually curve sharply backward toward the foramen magnum—the large hole at the base of the skull that acts as a conduit for not only blood vessels but nerves, ligaments, and the spinal cord. Anatomists describe the final journey of the vertebral arteries toward the brain as serpentine and report much variability in the exact route from person to person. It is not unusual for the tops of the vertebral arteries to branch out in a tangle of coils, kinks, and loops.

A view from within the labyrinth at Kripalu.

This presents a pretty exciting idea of how the blood flows through the neck, including a labyrinth, a gauntlet (with connotations of inherent danger), and serpentine aspects with coils and kinks… I almost had a yogasm when I read this description! A thrilling adventure… But, does tightening the screws on the story of blood flow really serve the subject matter?

Where Iyengar saw benefits, Russell saw danger. The postures, he said, “must for some people be hazardous.” His choice of the word “must” betrayed the speculative nature of his worry…

Mr. Broad goes on to paint a “big picture” for us reaching for some big numbers for people who might die from having a stroke from yoga, considering his estimates reasonable “given all the neck twisting and bending.” But at least one of his numbers introducing the topic is incorrect according to a few places I looked. He asserts that the neck “can rotate on its axis about 50 degrees.” This is lower than other sources. So how much weight should we put on Broad’s terrifying account?

At one point he says (and the subject goes on for pages…):

…the medical world had exactly zero evidence about the frequency of such damage.

And even though this is written in past tense, I didn’t see that there was any conclusive evidence offered in this account.

But it did make me want to sharpen my eyes in teaching, and my practice. So that’s okay. It’s good to have more information, and a reporter’s ideas on a subject. But to have such a long and terrifying account of the subject of stroke and yoga, based on so little evidence seemed irresponsible especially in the excerpt that was published in the Times. It indeed painted a big picture, but what was it of? It seemed somewhat sensational, even though it is easy to recognize that there is the potential for danger in any activity. So that’s why it’s hard to completely refute Broad’s account of things. And it made me suspicious of The New York Times and perhaps how they perceive yoga that it would print such a biased piece with goofy photo illustrations that only served to make the subject matter more strange and even macabre.

So there it is, I resisted talking about the dreaded article, only to end up talking about it.

And I’ve spent time reading and considering the book, and find it good. It is well put together, and full of interesting studies that have been done on aspects of yoga that show benefit:

The 2010 paper examined more than eighty studies that compared yoga and regular exercise. The analysis, by health specialists at the University of Maryland, found that yoga equaled or surpassed exercise in such things as improving balance, reducing fatigue, decreasing anxiety, cutting stress, lifting moods, improving sleep, reducing pain, lowering cholesterol, and more generally in raising the quality of life for yogis, both socially and on the job.

There is also a strong sexual thread in the book that I wrote a bit about at ElephantJournal.com:

The Science of Yoga: from Ritual Sex to Yogic Hypersexuality. A Book Review.

And I don't agree with Mr. Broad's recommendation:

But to have a hope of exerting greater influence on the organization of global health care, yoga must come into closer alignment with science—with clinical trials and professional accreditation, with governmental authorities and their detailed evaluations, probably even with the insurance companies and their dreaded red tape. Yoga could become a major force. Or it could stay on the sidelines, a marginal pursuit, lost in myths, looking to the past, prone to guru worship, fracturing into ever more lineages, increasingly isolated as the world moves on.

No thank you, on the governmental authority over yoga. I could go on... But, that's enough for now.

I guess it's not because I also need to say that yoga is definitely not on the sidelines. Clearly it is being recognized. This book is evidence of that. And I hope that this book helps more men get into yoga. The focus on men's sexual health could help that. I also hope that this book will encourage more scientific studies of yoga. I found the results presented in The Science of Yoga to be really interesting, and it's nice to be able to tell students that some of the claims of yoga books have been proven in a scientific setting. And that there are some benefits that may surpass what has been said before.

Post Sex Yoga?

Is this image about yoga or an invitation to have a sexual thought?

Read my latest article at Root Wisdom Yoga.

Demystifying "down there" with Leslie Howard.

I'm excited about this upcoming workshop to be presented at the Yoga Circle, located in Chicago:

DEMYSTIFYING “DOWN THERE”
Sunday, October 30
The Female Pelvic Floor: A Workshop for Women with Leslie Howard.

From the text on Yoga Circle's website:

Leslie Howard

Proper strengthening and stabilizing of the pelvic floor helps to create the correct foundation of each movement in the body. This is the true meaning of "core work." Whether you experience any of these conditions, or are just plain curious about this region of the body, this workshop is for you:

I fell into the "just plain curious" category the first time I took Leslie's workshop. However I had experienced fear about my pelvic health on and off throughout my adult life. It just seemed kind of scary and mysterious in the area "down there", and I have found that education about what is happening in the pelvic floor can go a long way towards deep healing and peace in a woman's body:


I heartily recommend this workshop for women!

More from Yoga Circle's workshops page about the kind of concerns women might bring to the workshop session for education and clarification, "demystification" indeed:

• pelvic pain 

• leak when laughing or sneezing 

• lower back, hip or groin problems 

• have to go the bathroom too often 

• discomfort during sex or while using tampons 

• prolapsed organs 

• skin irritation

• pregnancy and birth 

In this workshop we will locate, assess, soften, stretch, strengthen and exercise the various muscle groups of the pelvic floor, discuss mula bandha, abdominal health and how to utilize the pelvic floor in asana.

The afternoon will begin with anatomy, lecture and discussion, followed by subtle experiential movements to awaken your understanding of this often ignored area. A series of specific exercises and asanas for the pelvic floor will follow. Time permitting, asana that spotlights the pelvis and hip joints will be practiced. Handouts will be provided. Bring your friends, sisters, mothers and daughters.

Okay, so come to this workshop if you are a woman in the Chicago Area and can make it, and want to take the next step in body awareness. And if you have women friends and family in the Chicago region tell them about this workshop. I can't recommend it highly enough!

Call the Yoga Circle to sign up: (312) 915-0750.

Yogathon for Rape Victim Advocates

I'm thrilled to be participating in:

 3rd Annual Mind Body Spirit…  
 And a Good Cause  
 Benefiting Rape Victim Advocates  
 September 24 & 25, 2011 
Click on the image or text above to see the flyer.

Yoga studios and teachers are participating in the event, sometimes referred to as a yogathon. Participating classes are donating to Rape Victim Advocates.

I am impressed by this description of Rape Victim Advocates (received from a representative):

Every day in Chicago, women, children, and men are dealing with the immediate - and often life long - effects of sexual assault. Since 1974, Rape Victim Advocates (RVA) has been here to help rape victims, offering personal support, accurate information about their rights, and experienced advocacy. From a hand to hold in the emergency room, to clothes to wear home, to an advocate to stand beside them in court, RVA offers survivors of sexual violence the individualized help they need to begin moving beyond the trauma to live healthy, whole lives. Then, RVA goes further, changing attitudes and preventing future sexual violence through education. To improve the treatment of sexual assault survivors, RVA provides training to police officers, state’s attorneys, and health care professionals.

Something I hate about the aftermath of rape is that the victim of this crime is called into question, and their character is scrutinized. What was the person wearing? Were they drunk? Out late at night? Homosexual? Transgender? Slut? Convict? (See my SlutWalk piece at ElephantJournal.com)

Everybody deserves advocacy and protection. Nobody deserves to be raped. It is never appropriate for someone to rape another person.

So I am glad to use my voice in this way, and offer together with the Yoga Circle the proceeds from the yoga class I will teach on Sunday September 25th at 4pm at the Yoga Circle, 401 W Ontario St, Chicago.

Come to class! All are welcome! Let's support this vital cause.

Yogi Lovin' for Björk’s Crystalline

See my recent post at Elephant, Slathering Yoga-Infused Love all over Björk’s Crystalline, to hear the song and read my ponderings on poetry, crystals and earth magic. I hope you enjoy it!

xo

Brooks

Being Brooks

Being Brooks might have something to do with blue toenails... It's a new video at Yoga and Brooks.

Passionate Yoga Talk

There is a unique event happening at Yogaview in Chicago this weekend that I’d like to tell you about. I think that it’ll be pretty interesting. Definitely worth checking out if you like to think about wider implications of yoga practice, and how we might want to consider using our minds to make the world a better place.

Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad, authors of ‘The Passionate Mind Revisited’ and other books are offering a series of talks about relationships and spirituality. They have interesting things to say about power dynamics in relationships in their recent book, so I’m looking forward to hearing what they have to say in person.

I see it as a way to exercise my mental muscle. I’m not going because I’m some kind of Joel and Diana convert or anything (I don't think that that's what they're going for anyway). I’m just interested in hearing what they have to offer. Perhaps my understanding might grow. I think there’s a little something hidden in going to hear a “spiritual” talk, like perhaps an anticipation (or fear) of being “converted” or something (that might keep some people away unnecessarily).

I think it could be helpful to address spiritual concerns without the umbrella of religion. It’s definitely a touchy subject, but for the fearlessly caring and interested people around, this could prove to be an intriguing discussion. We’ll see…

Read more about this exciting event (there is also an option to sign up) here:

An Evolutionary Approach to Spirituality and Yoga: Talks by Joel Kramer & Diana Alstad November 5-7 at Yogaview.

I mean, how often do we really talk openly about this stuff? Maybe I'll see you there. I hope it's fun.

Not My Yoga!

Yoga is way too big to ever be called, "mine".

I love yoga. I practice yoga. I read about it. Dream about it. And I teach yoga.

Yet, if someone were to ask me about what is my yoga, my inclination is to answer that it's not "my yoga". It is way too big for that.

Yoga is not "mine". I cannot give myself or another person yoga. What I have learned from teachers is technique. I can apply this technique to myself, and I can teach it to others, but the yoga itself is not mine to have or mine to give. I can only participate in the experience.

Whenever I have asked Gabriel Halpern (a yoga teacher who has had a profound impact on my understanding of yoga and on how I see myself as a human being) about something amazing and insightful he said during class, he always says that it came from Mr. Iyengar. I recognize something truthful in this strategy of teaching beyond what might be immediately apparent. It could be true that every time I have commented on what Gabriel said in class that it came from something he learned from Mr. Iyengar, the man. However, what this kind of deferral has taught me is that the teachings of yoga come from a source that is beyond us. This brings a sense of diligence and service to the teaching of yoga. It is beneficial to individual people, but it is not about us as individuals. We are working to maintain an ideal of service and care for humans through yoga.

One time, years ago, while assisting Gabriel in a Gentle yoga class, a student I'd been assisting spoke extremely glowingly about an experience she had had in a pose. When Gabriel came over she shared with him the wonder and revelation of her experience and my part in it. I was smiling and feeling very pleased; she felt that I had done very well was what I was telling myself. (Yes, I had done very well...) Gabriel, who can be quite theatrical, then turned to me and made a funny face (like maybe he had crapped his pants—it was hilarious, but I was too stunned to laugh...), turned his eyes upward, waved his hands in the air, and stepped from one foot to the other. His stature seemed to be shrinking during this strange and playful dance of adoration. Then he got down onto his knees, paused and then kissed my feet. I was embarrassed and felt myself shrink inside a little. I got it. This wasn't about me. It was about her experience of herself, which she happened to be projecting onto me in that moment. I had lapped it up like a kitty drinking milk, but that wasn't the whole story.

You see, it's easy to become confused when it comes to yoga. I was offering some points on technique that I had learned from Gabriel, that he had learned from Mr. Iyengar in India, that he had learned from... (and so on...) So when my head was expanding with delight, and Gabriel knelt down and kissed my foot it immediately dawned on me that this was not a situation to buy into. Sobered, I turned to the student and continued our work.

And the lesson has stuck with me to this day, approximately seven years later... I honor the experience of students, and at the same time I know for myself that the blessings of students are reflections of their gratefulness about their experience with yoga—it's not about me. I only strive to serve the process of life and yoga in a helpful way.

* Simul-posted at Elephant Journal *

The Mind just doesn't "get" Yoga.

Yoga is in a realm beyond words.

For as crazy in love with yoga as I've been, there is a part of me that remains skeptical. Just this morning, I'm embarrassed to say, I had a moment of fear when I wondered, "How am I going to stand in front of those people and teach them yoga." I was in a moment of feeling lost and disconnected, and I was about a block away from the building where I teach my first class of the day. And thankfully, moments later the looks of warm greeting and expectation from the class caused the doubting me to vanish. I was a passionate teacher, and totally into it once I got started.

There is an aspect of yoga (probably the heart of it) that is beyond words. All we really have to offer one another to pass yoga on is technique. Our minds can grasp technique. But what happens when we practice is ultimately beyond ordinary communication. Poetry tries, but only when we see through the spaces that the ideas open up do we get a fantastic glimpse. So, it's not the words of the poetry or the angles of the arms and legs in a yoga pose, but it is where we go from those launch pads of language and form that is so fortifying and affirming.

So I really believe that yoga is beyond the grasp of the thinking mind. And I find it wonderful that I want to talk about it so much. Isn't it strange to want to speak the ineffable?

The transmission of techniques is important. In a recent posts I've talked about my inner conflict with the traditional teachings, and how I've embraced the marketplace of yoga (because that's what I know...). This is another angle: the importance of studying, using, preserving, living and teaching yoga technique. There is something very real and powerful in these techniques for practicing yoga.

It's important to honor the teachings we have because the mind doesn't get it. And when we think that we've "got it" you can be sure that we're in an inflated state, or stuck because yoga is a window into the unknown. If we think that we know the unknown I'm sure that we are really oversimplifying. Labels and definitions help put things into human hands, but there is something about yoga that is beyond what any one person can hold by himself or herself.

I've been extremely fortunate to have studied extensively with the best Ashtanga Yoga and Iyengar Yoga teachers in town. And the situations where I have been so humbly blessed with beautiful experiences have happened when teachers were honoring these techniques for practice that came from India.

The mind can shape the container that yoga goes into, but that's all. The imperfect process of our humanity becomes blessed with yoga, and escapes the container of ordinary mind.

Linda-Sama recently commented on a post, "there is a saying in India: dharma teachings are like a bowl of rice; you pick out the dirt and leave the rest to nourish you."

There are flaws in the teachings, but even so, we might also be nourished by their wisdom.

*simul-posted at Elephant Journal*

Traditional Spiritual Lineage is not right for Me because I'm Female.

Just as my female body contains a metaphor for creating new life, so also does my existence in the realm of spiritual pursuits require a creative act.

A benefit of yoga in the marketplace is that there are plenty of women leading the way; we are used to seeing images of beautiful women in advertisements so there is an ongoing potential for commercial success for svelte females in yoga.

But I recoil in shame when I consider what is coming across to consumers: perhaps that yoga cultivates commercially acceptable beauty, or that yoga is for physical fitness. Could it be that yoga is here to help us get laid? Come on... When commercial yoga panders to our insecurities, just like any other product for sale, doesn't that cheapen the potential? Or doesn't that cheapen our estimation of what we, as yoga teachers or yoga businesses offer?

As I read and study about traditional yoga I find myself filtering and editing as I read to try to include myself in texts that were written for male seekers. And I've done a pretty good job, having pushed through countless hours of reading about men in yoga. And I love men in yoga... But when it comes to conceptualizing a vision of my yoga path, the words that were intended for male seekers from earlier generations do not always hit home for me as a female yogi practicing and living in today's world.

And I've heard that there are a handful of obscure examples of traditional yoga that honor women. But, I really haven't seen any that I can identify with.

We don't even have a tradition here in the States, what we have is a marketplace, and what this requires of us as consumers is personal responsibility. Just like it's time for us to take responsibility for the oil we use, it's also time for us to take responsibility for the quality of our hearts and minds.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I struggle with being a female yogi who is not always sure where she really fits in. Maybe I should try to be thin and beautiful and perfect. Maybe you should buy into my yoga because you love my body.

This is what bothers me.

Yoga is about a union between consciousness and form, or the "inner" and "outer" worlds. If popular yoga is too focused on physical feminine beauty, are we ever going to break through to an authentic experience of spiritual depth? Are we ever going to pursue beyond our obsession with physical form and youthful beauty? Right now our "yoga" in most places seems to be right in line with commercial norms.

Yoga tradition intersects with the modern marketplace. And I think that we enter fantasyland when we try to ignore that. Even when someone has learned from a traditional source, what a teacher brings to his or her classes is what they know. It is always their account of that tradition or lineage, so teachers are actually creating as they are teaching.

But, our yoga does inspire questions such as mine, and perhaps that's enough for now. And maybe yoga has arrived in the marketplace at this time to remind us that we are more than consumers. We are human beings with hearts and spirituality, and we can be responsible for ensuring that our world can remain inhabitable and joyful, as well as profitable.

*simul-posted at Elephant Journal*

In Defense of Marketplace Yoga

In the society I live in, it might seem like there is no reason to defend marketplace yoga — the marketplace of yoga seems just fine, actually, but there are those among us who are concerned about what is actually getting translated into this marketplace. Are we just telling ourselves nice stories about yoga, or are we really "getting" the yoga?

I have my own experience of yoga education located in this very marketplace to offer up as an example:

In fact, the part I'll talk about now happened in the upscale Gold Coast neighborhood in Chicago. It was the year 2000 at an ashtanga yoga studio that has since closed: Priya Yoga that was at 1 East Oak Street, located above a pizza shop. When walking up the stairs to yoga, the nose was greeted with the smells of pizzas baking.

It was when I was pushing my way up the flights of stairs to Priya Yoga after work that a pungent voice of inner-judgment would often assault me: Who the hell do you think you are, doing this Gold Coast yoga?

But somehow I made it up those stairs, again and again through the barrage of insulting thoughts. It helped that the studio was warm and friendly, and it also helped me that the teachers and other people seemed to like my being there. I loved being there. I loved the yoga. It became like another home for me.

After one Friday-night ashtanga yoga class here my life would be changed invisibly yet indelibly. When this particular yoga class was over, I was on the way out when I stopped to thank the yoga teacher. I was looking into the eyes of this instructor, when what appeared like golden rain began falling down, yet somewhat suspended, like glinty-gold bits in a snow-globe slowly and lightly falling down toward me and all around me — shining bits of light. I had a sense that everything around me was permeated with love: my body, the teacher's body, the air between us and all around me, the other people, the desk behind the teacher, the walls, the carpet, the ceiling, the next room, the door, the hallway and stairs, absolutely everything seemed to be permeated with this love as integrated into the fabric of all things and non-things. Yeah, I was high after that yoga session. Was this experience a figment of my body chemistry? Was it somehow a delusion caused by dehydration, exhaustion or toxicity?

What scientifically happened to me is a little less important than what spiritually happened to me. I actually thought for the first time in my life that the fabric of our world might be good. I had felt it to be absolutely and irrefutably good from a song in my cells. Love had spoken from every particle I was aware of in that moment.

I think that our realizations in yoga are more about our dedication as individual practitioners than about the marketplace of yoga, but this economy does support the houses of yoga and teachers of yoga that create a situation where amazing and previously-unimaginable things can happen for people.

I am grateful that I have been able to have this and many other beautiful, meaningful, and life-enhancing yoga experiences — that I don't think are over by any means. But there was a money-based background that made it possible to experience the yoga that I have. So the marketplace is not separate from our yoga, it actually makes yoga more accessible than ever before because it is a part of our economy.

* also posted at Elephant Journal.

Notes on Yoga and Empowerment

See my latest article at Elephant Journal. ...and please comment over there with your thoughts on the topic. Thanks!

Detachment or self-abandonment?

How my misunderstanding about detachment in yoga may have helped me give myself permission to temporarily abandon myself

This weekend I went into a yoga class and the teacher was talking about "detachment": an accomplished yogi doesn't react to heat or cold, praise or ridicule. A yogi maintains psychological evenness in the midst of the varying circumstances in life.

I still found myself wondering what are yogis striving to detach from? It struck a chord with me because I think that I may have found myself sidetracked down a blind alley of false detachment because it is really abandonment that serves the imbalance in my personality structure.

"Detachment" is really abandonment when I tell myself I don't care about something because I don't want to feel the hurt. Or when I tell myself that "such-and-such won't like me" rather than giving the situation a chance to develop. I abandon myself when I fall short of exploring a situation that might be fun.

To maintain the status quo inside myself and avoid change I adopted a yogic concept and warped it to serve the needs of my own unrelenting ego. "Detachment" is not a withdrawal from life. Isolation only deepens the yearnings of a person who hasn't opened up to their worldly potential, yet.

Detachment through hardening onesself is not true detachment. True detachment happens through trusting a deeper sense of the process of life. ...and I had been hardening myself, stubbornly trying to live my life the way I thought I should be living it, instead of trusting the process that life naturally offers.

Hardening squeezes sensation out. A hardened state is not an aware state. It is contracted. Small. ...even when someone has a high aim or good intentions.

Acceptance and respect for the natural process of life unfolding is boundless. Huge. It allows for the "x" factor, the unknown blessing, a miracle...

I can be non-reactive by protecting myself, putting up a protective shield, but behind that barrier I am shakin' in my shoes! Fearful or an asshole!

I can perceive the same situation with my eyes, mind and heart open, looking to see what is happening. In this case I am not reacting because I am looking to see, interested in what is going on. If I don't like it I can disengage. But my primary aspect is one of courageous care and curiosity. Compassionate.

I have gotten into trouble when I have used invisible understandings of things, either spiritual or solipsistic, to ignore things actually happening in the moment. These invisible understandings create mental hardness and can prevent me from seeing the truth in a situation.

Over the last week I have been trying out the notion of "respecting the process" of whatever is happening. Totally enlightening... Rather than resisting or controlling, I am allowing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

‘Man’ means “to think”

"The feeble seekers are those who lack enthusiasm, criticize their teachers, are rapacious, inclined to bad action, eat much, are in the power of women, unstable, cowardly, ill, dependent, speak harshly, have weak characters and lack virility. The Guru (Teacher or Master) guides such seekers in the path of Mantra Yoga only. With much effort, the sadhaka can reach enlightenment in twelve years. (The word mantra is derived from the word 'man', meaning to think. Mantra thus means a sacred thought or prayer to be repeated with full understanding of its meaning. It takes a long time, perhaps years, for a mantra to take firm root in the mind of a feeble sadhaka and still longer for it to bear fruit.)"
-B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Yoga, 51st paragraph of the Introduction.

Even though Mantra Yoga is advised for “feeble seekers” I don’t think that there is anything easy about it. So there is nothing “feeble” about Mantra Yoga itself, or about any human beings I know either. So I’m not going to talk about “feeble seekers” because I don’t think about people that way, except maybe myself on a bad day…

I think that we are all using mantras or thoughts to direct our experience whether we acknowledge it or not. Since Mantra Yoga is advised here for someone who is experiencing difficulty in life, I look at it as a first line of defense against the pains of life, and the fragmentation of mind.

What is your Mantra?

I think of a ‘mantra’ as thoughts I tell myself repeatedly. On a bad day my mantra might be, “I wish I was dead,” and on a good day it might be, “I love this!” What gives?? These are just thoughts that bubble up inside of me.

Repeated thoughts are powerful

It’s a good idea to watch your thoughts, because they make a real difference in how you move throughout the world. If I have evaluated myself as unlovable, or ‘nobody likes me’ it is going to affect my body language. I might make less eye contact, and avoid interactions with others who might like me, so I am likely to miss opportunities. And if someone is nice to me I might react inappropriately friendly, wordlessly saying ‘wow, it’s so amazing that you like me.’ When maybe I’m just likeable and so it’s really not such a big deal that SOMEBODY LIKES ME. Aren’t we all essentially likeable beings? I shouldn’t be so especially horrible that nobody likes me, right? Well, the mechanisms of thought are not rational in the scientific sense. Our thoughts spring up from how we feel and what we’ve been told—all that touchy-feely stuff.

So it could be time to tell yourself something good

If you listen to your daily brew of thoughts and hear some nasty stuff, it could be helpful to take action to interrupt the toxic thought-stream. You could try positive affirmations.

I have a teacher who’s really into this affirmation stuff. So I tried it for a while, and I found it helpful in a particular way. When I started to purposefully say positive things to myself over and over, I had a heightened awareness of how poor my inner messages were. It was as if my gentle messages of blessing to myself elicited an attack from my inner status quo of low self-esteem.

An example would be if I were to tell myself that ‘I am competent, loveable and wise’, and if what I believed about myself was that I was inadequate, unlovable and stupid. Well, bullshit! Total rejection and inner turmoil could result.

Prayerful thoughts can be helpful

I have found repeated messages of prayer to be more authentically helpful for me. In prayer I am opening up my inner world to something larger than my old thoughts, so there is more space for a fresh breeze of inspiration to enter my experience.

“Mantra thus means a sacred thought or prayer to be repeated with full understanding of its meaning.”

This is very personal. Finding words that are helpful at any given time could be as individual as you.

These have worked for me:

“You are not only you, you are also me. I am not only myself, I am also you. I should care to live for you, and you should be able to care for me.”
-Guru Nitya

“My work is to carry this love
as comfort for those who long for you,
to go everywhere you’ve walked
and gaze at the pressed-down dirt.”
-Rumi, as translated by Coleman Barks

Poetry can offer this kind of healing opening in the mindspace. I also like Mary Oliver, Walt Whitman and others.

Blogging is a life-enhancer!

Instead of talking about my resistance and impression of deep change inside myself about turning 39 this week, I think I just want to talk about my realizations about how my online life is really coming into my reality in many beautiful ways.

The other day I was playing some beautiful music I learned about at the internet home of Anthroyogini, and was talking to yoga students before class and enjoying the music and thought about what a cool convergence the moment held. I felt myself expanded and inclusive of someone I’d never met in person from Australia, and musicians from the same place, as well as me and the students, too.

Ohhh-kay, maybe I’ll gripe a little… (This reminds me of Dr. Jay over at Yoga for Cynics...) I'm struggling a little bit with having turned 39 this week... And in reality I think that even this struggle is good because it has to do with disregarding my illusions of what I think life is like, and embracing my life as it is. At this point, there is no fantasy to hold on to. I have enjoyed my fantasies, though. What an exciting part of experience to see yourself imaginatively as being totally satisfied with the partner of your dreams, and having a perfect fantasy life that fulfills cultural expectations and so on…

And recently I’ve been reading some poetry to students from the book ‘Go In and In’ by Danna Faulds that I found out about during a chat over at the Namaste Book Club. When I give voice to those words I am also aware of the people who shared this book with me, who of course (it’s not so strange that) I haven’t met. But we learn things about each other that words can tell.

I am realizing that I had some pretty strict rules about what I wanted to have happen during my 30s. The thought of having a child with someone wonderful was definitely one of the guiding forces pulling strings from the background. But I’ve been listening to the audiobook of ‘Hot, Flat and Crowded’ by Thomas L. Friedman, and since the human population is getting so huge maybe I can be okay with helping the people who are already here in whatever ways I can.

Earlier this year I went to a workshop with Rusty Wells. It was Michelle of The Devil Wears Prana who raved so much about his teaching that brought me to that valuable experience. And I just signed up for a workshop about Shadow Yoga. It was Svasti's experience with this form of yoga that piqued my interest.

The ending of my third decade of life seems to merit some grieving, and I’ve felt a bit of sadness…

It also added a totally new dimension to my experience of the sometimes BlissChick, Christine to actually meet the real flesh-and-blood and beautiful spirit person. When we met she explained that she was not always a BlissChick. Sometimes she is also a real PissedChick, and all the other real human emotions. Our in-person conversation led me down a road of self-discovery that has literally changed how I understand myself, leading to a sense of deeper integration and balance in me. I can’t thank you enough, Christine!

I also accomplished something amazing during the three and zeros: I have found myself. This is an incredible accomplishment, and might not be easy to explain… It isn’t something I could have understood before I did it. But I allowed the space for me to understand myself. Yoga, of course, helped tremendously. And the people I met through yoga have helped in direct ways and also by helping me point my sensibilities in a direction so I could find my own tools to learn about myself. This means that I have sat with all of the uncomfortable (and ecstatic) emotions inside myself that I could. And through this process I have learned to accept and love parts of myself that I never would have even looked at before…

And, of course, there are many other beautiful bloggy souls who have been my companions along the way. Thank you, Readers and Commenters!

I would be totally amiss if I didn’t mention the profound effect that blogging in my thirties has had on me! This cyberspace has offered me a place to find my voice by using it. It has also offered me opportunities for community and support that have helped me to accept myself beyond what I might have thought was possible, before. Just that I can share my thoughts and find out that people resonate with what I am saying has been such a boon for my sense of worth. I am not alone, and I know it! Yeah!

Give Brooks a chance.

This is a personal post.

I am giving Brooks a chance. What does this mean? Well, when I graduated from the School of the Art institute of Chicago in 1994 I remember responding to the 'are you going to grad school' question by saying that I wanted some experience in the world before making that decision. I said something like I was going to let the world tell me what I should do because I didn't know. And I have listened.

I tried listening to the different employers I've had along the way. I've tried listening to friends and teachers about what to do. I've tried listening to family... And I've just realized that it's time to give myself a chance.

I think I've avoided that route in the past because it just seemed too scary. When I started to listen to myself a good distraction came along or a compelling friend told me what they thought, and I always seemed to respond by giving myself away as if I believed that 'others know better'. Or I asked for help and was ignored, and I asked myself if I had spoken clearly. I tended to speak clearly, but sometimes quietly and I didn't demand anything. But some things were (and are) important.

And there are some things that I can't and shouldn't depend on others for, even though I have, and it has led me astray. This is why my age turns to 39 tomorrow, and I'm alone except for two sweet bunnies. Okay so I am feeling sorry for myself and I've done all the usual sins like not trusting myself. I think my biggest misstep has been my lack of self esteem. It makes a person do the stupidest things, like trusting the wrong people. Or maybe looking for things from others that they can't give, and lying to myself. I recognize that I have engineered this life I have through my habits and choices even though much of it was done without consciously understanding Anything. So my situation is nobodies fault, not even the fault of my naive past self. I did the best I could with my understanding of life at the time I did all the things that led me to learning about life as I have.

And so many things are good. I love teaching yoga. That is a blessing that goes beyond any childhood dream I might have had for myself. As a child I wouldn't have been able to understand what I do now. I was incredibly reactive and afraid. I cried a lot. However I was developing my listening ear even then, the ear that is available to hear the truth of others without judgement. (I LOVE that about me!)

As I go forward I promise to not accept stories I tell myself about others without confirmation from the flesh-and-blood individuals, especially when it comes to major life-path changes. Like the guy who put his hand on my thigh at that party many years ago, and I accepted that as evidence that he was interested in me. I guess the truth was that I thought I liked him--A LOT. But I guess I didn't really know him even though I saw him regularly and trusted that I knew enough. I didn't.

A well-intentioned family member recently advised that I 'give youth a chance' when I told them about some seemingly romantic interest I had recently been receiving from much younger men. I woke up with another idea this morning: Give Brooks a chance. And if any young super-cutie happens to be reading this, just know that you are perfect and adorable to me. Even though I look younger than I am, I am really turning 39 tomorrow, okay? (And I guess I don't know what that means except that it is New Territory. Never been here before...)

And I seem to simultaneously resent and enjoy being alone. Which is it? Can I choose? Do I have to? I enjoy my life, and sometimes catch myself dreaming old dreams and walking old paths. Those mindscapes are comfortable, and they trap me in sorrow when I see myself there.

Can I live life in a relationship again? Is this possible? I suppose it must be... I just can't see it, because I'm not there NOW. All I see is what I see and what I see is good. Except...not. It seems so cheesy to say 'something is missing'. And I guess it's just the human condition. The fact that people are hungry for experience keeps things moving. So I'm going to breathe to calm myself and to embrace myself in this moment, and turn my frustration into useful energy, a turbine of force that I can apply to managing my resources, abilities and gifts so that my fortieth trip around the sun will be a good one. Perhaps I will get a chance to open my heart to someone wonderful. Hopefully, I will have opportunities to expand my career. It would be nice to explore financial freedom... And to find LOVE!

Whatever changes my fortieth year may bring, I pray that I can meet this experience with cheerful and unrelenting enthusiasm. I just don't want to let old expectations get me down. It's time for a new ruler in the house of Brooks, and so I crown me to guide myself through all of the yet-to-be-explored possibilities that this year, and more coming years, will bring. I look forward to deepening relationships with others where I maintain power of myself instead of giving that away. I'm looking forward to these next years of my life as myself. I will no longer be the empty house that desperately looked for others to bring wellbeing in. I can live in a hospitable house, whether I am alone or with others. Come over some time, will ya?

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Me!

Celebration of Cells

I have the celebration of cells in my body to help me go forward when news is difficult.

This morning I woke up to the news of a gang rape that happened to a young girl leaving a homecoming dance and a suicide (via Svasti). I know I'm not the only one that woke up to troubling news today.

I no longer use my yoga as an escape to an imaginary beautiful place that removes me from the pains in life—in essence walling me off from the world. I am integrating spiritual practice as a way to step forward in troubling times. So I don't use yoga to escape, but to connect.

I have taken notes from Seane Corn who watches the news in the morning before she practices yoga (I heard her say this at Kripalu.). Some yogis wonder why she would do this: How can you watch news before you practice when the news carries so much violence, suffering and tragedy (and isn't yoga about love and healing?)? Well, what I got from her is that that’s just the point. We are here to heal this world (if you choose that path), not to escape it.

I have the blessing of my breath when times are difficult. I am grateful for the opportunity of my life. I can use this body and mind and strength to do something that helps.

This news about the Homecoming dance gang rape deeply disturbs me. I was once 15 years old; I went to a homecoming dance. I was incredibly naïve, and might be only a little less-so now. Particularly harrowing is that some of the people involved were one-time friends, it sounds like they were drinking together. I know when I was a teen that we would go to places without adults around and drink. This is a horrible crime that happened in the shadows on school grounds.

Also, stories about suicides must be getting lost because, a few months ago, I was at a rally in support of health care reform, and one of the speakers said that there are more suicides than murders in the state of Illinois per year. I hear about murders in the news, but not suicides. Why don’t we seem to care about the cultural climate that contributes to people wanting to kill themselves? I do.

I also personally connect with this subject of suicide. For so many years I heard in my own mind: I wish I was dead. Now with me, I felt so powerless that I did not move forward or really even consider real-world plans to do something about those thoughts. Even though that’s true, I credit yoga with saving my life, because my inner world is so much healthier than it used to be and I am more empowered as a result. Even if I occasionally hear the old sadness, I don’t believe it in the same way I used to. I know that I have experienced despair, and that I am stepping forward through healing and love.

There is a silent chorus supporting me in the cells of my body.

Earth Yoga

We are earth people with earthly challenges.

"To really grow as human beings, and be better yogis maybe we need to try one anothers yoga."
-from my last post

This quote roused enthusiastic support from commenters worldwide on Facebook, Twitter and on the entry on this blog.

To stay with a system of yoga, going deeper and deeper has the potential benefits of knowing self, ecstatic states, and spiritual subtleties. But it could be like the first time you connected sexually with someone (just let me try this out), you might have associated that incredible bliss with a particular individual. Life goes on and perhaps that first relationship doesn't work out. Then you realize that you might have it with others, too. Some are better. Some are worse. But when you associate it with one person and your mind is stuck remembering the past that is delusion. The danger in keeping it (when the "it" is yoga practice) to one teacher or yoga style right now is based on my belief that we need to connect better with each other here, on the planet, which could mean bringing the spiritual experience out of an exclusive arena where we connect it with one style of yoga or one teacher. Maybe it's time to branch out to understand one another across beliefs, and across yoga styles.

When we associate the precious, sacred, totally beyond words experience of yoga with one style or teacher it can be harmful socially when we channel our reverence into a mentality that seperates us from other yogis who practice with other teachers in other styles of yoga. It makes sense that we would want to protect ourselves, but what is the cost? Doesn't this pattern of thought and behavior reflect the divisiveness that can be seen amongst sports fans of different teams, or members of different religious groups, or citizens of different countries, etc? Should we allow the yoga we practice be another reason to shun people who we conceptualize as being "different" in some seemingly important intangible way? Is this really an important difference?

I see an earth translation of yoga as bringing more friendliness and care across peoples, rather than another reason for seeing difference. And I think that we desperately need to find a greater sense of union between all people.

Traditionally yoga practice offers techniques for uniting the individual sense of yourself with a larger sense of your Self, profound connection, oneness beyond description. Yes! Good... A yogi might need to practice with a particular yoga tradition and/or teacher for a while to perhaps be blessed with this realization. How we go forward from here is actually what I'm considering in this post. Certainly you might need the safety of certain parameters (like: a particular teacher, style, or tradition) to develop on your path. But don't get confused and think that the way you did it is the only way that others might do it. That most certainly is obsurd. Your path is only right for you, just as my path is only right for me.

In the sea of all of our differences how can we resonate with our common needs? How can we align less with personal selfishness, and become more motivated to work towards common goals like a more friendly world, and care about the effects our actions have on the global environment? How can we bring our tastes of beauty and connection from yoga practice into meaningful compassionate actions towards others and our earth?

Is Yoga Therapy?

Since “yoga therapy” shows up in so many publications, it may seem like a moot question, but I am called to consider it for myself…

Last spring I took a LifeForce Yoga weekend workshop and then in the summer I took the Level I intensive training with Amy Weintraub, author of the book Yoga for Depression. There were about fifty of us in the five-day training that took place at Kripalu, half of us were yoga teachers and half were mental health professionals. This made for a fascinating and lively experience. I was there looking for the connection between yoga and mental health. Most of the social workers, psychologists, and the psychiatrist were also yogis. Some were looking at ways to integrate yogic techniques into their therapy sessions. Yoga teachers seemed to be into learning to help themselves and students with mental turmoil and stagnation, perhaps...

LifeForce Yoga promises to “Manage Your Mood” which seems to indicate a focus on the mood. This title is designed to appeal to people believing that their moods cause them to suffer, and that their moods need “management”. I can relate… However, the yoga technique, itself calls for the practitioner to bring their attention back to the body. Emotional releasing happens, but the yoga practice isn’t the time to focus on the story around emotions. The stories are to be processed with the mental health professionals. So everybody has a place in the LifeForce Yoga strategy.

I thought it was really interesting to try out the technique, and do a mostly Kripalu style yoga practice with Amy. I learned some things. And the community aspect was really cool. Everybody was really interesting. I worked with it on my own and have integrated aspects of it into my practice and teaching. Looking at yoga from the mental health perspective was worthwhile.

But I just don’t think you can put yoga in a box. People come to yoga to de-stress, relieve depression, or manage back pain, etc… And yoga does help people mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Yoga itself goes way beyond our suffering. Suffering may lead someone to yoga, but yoga is not a prescription. Yoga is a vastness. Yoga transcends ordinary experience. Yoga is wonder.

To say yoga is “therapy” is to bring yoga into human proportions, when yoga is rapture and awe that is so much larger than the words any individual can use to describe it.

Yoga is not therapy.

Anger and Aggression

In a yoga class I took on Friday, I had anger and aggression pass through my handstand (arm balance) practice. I have heard some say that yoga is not a place for agression, and, well yogis don't get angry. I say: screw that!

I felt angry AND aggressive in a yoga class I was taking.

Handstand is a pose that I do easily on some days, and encounter difficulty on others. Well, Friday was one of the difficult ones. I recognize a psychological aspect in my ability to do it. When I feel powerless, I can't do it. Physically, I am strong, but there are times where I feel timid and lacking the strength to do it. There are times when I submit to this, and accept that I'm just not doing it that day. But this was not one of those times. I did things differently when I realized I felt sheepish in giving up.

I saw my teacher standing by to help and I told myself: I am going to do it. And I didn't. I heard myself say, "fuck!" in an angry whisper as my feet touched the mat again (sorry if I disturbed anyone). Luckily, he turned to help someone else (it's not you Quinn--I swear--I just needed to NAIL this one). And I felt a shot of aggression that put my legs up!

Some might say,"Brooks, life has its ups and downs, and yoga is a practice of yielding, surrendering, and practicing for death so you should have just stayed down."

And for this stage in my life this kind of surrender practice just doesn't seem appropriate. What do I serve? Fear? Authority? Tradition? How about a larger goal? Or steps toward a better world? Surrendering to the work required to make a change--I can agree to that! I have played the meek one long enough. I have a back-story that supports the part of victim pretty well. I also have a resilient spirit, a strong heart, a sharp mind, and capable hands! I believe in change, and I can DO IT.

I need to fight! Let me have my agression! Let me have my anger! Let these natural energies and responses to life's obstacles help me break through my own blocks. Yea!

(And if I turn into an unbalanced hothead--you bedda' believe I'll be searching out some quieter practices to cool my heels...)