Monday, July 6, 2009
Welcome, Morning Malaise…
Just like giving birth can be painful and joyful, a morning malaise can yield useful realizations, and lead into a joyful day. So it is.
This is the thought I had upon waking today:
“Is maintaining life just prolonging the torture?”
Yikes! Where the heck did that optimistic little gem come from? Right?
Then I realized: “wait a minute…” And decided to look at it…
There is a technique that I like to use at the beginning of a yoga class. This past weekend I had an opportunity to use it. A student had just set up their mat, and I asked, “How are you doing?”
“I’m stressed,” she said and flashed an unhappy look.
To which I responded, “Welcome, stressed!”
To which she giggled!
I had major realizations today. It stemmed from the malaise I woke up with and cleared in my yoga practice. Just like a realization on a theatrical stage might come out of a fog, my foggy mood cleared to reveal something useful. It has to do with an awareness that entertaining negative thought patterns leads to real problems! I have acted in response to my own internal verbal abuse (harsh inner critic) and shut down where I need to energize!
I want to see of I can explain...
So it seems like the thoughts are just there. And I have been watching these thoughts like a scientist might watch the activities of cells in a Petri dish—with little interference. I admit that I have been fascinated with the process.
And I realized that to grow to another level of care for myself, that I have to do something because these self-defeating thought-streams are preventing me from fulfilling goals. “Oh, well, I’m going to die anyway,” is a pretty stupid thought that left unchecked can lead to some pretty irresponsible behavior.
I guess that I realized that I can watch my thoughts destroy the beauty I have in my life, or…
I really think that the way forward is to play the part of the welcome wagon for the macabre. I could say in my imagination, “Welcome, the one who is going to die anyway!” This is actually true. But, life isn’t about the death, it’s about what we can create and do during this time of blessing: this time where I am ALIVE.
So this morning I welcomed “the one who prolongs the torture (of being alive)”. This is a pretty depressed one. But this aspect of consciousness is not without hope! I say this because I also have the capacity to access the aspects of myself that feels that life is good now. And I recognize this negative bit as a figment from my past. And once I got going today I ended up having a really good day. I enjoyed the sun and yoga teaching and the ability to learn about myself in my practice. And I generated some good vibes with yoga!
I shared this in the hopes that if others have negativity showing up on the path to healing, that it can be okay. In fact it may be necessary to find the kind of psychological integration that is unflappable and able to help our world. And I've decided that I'm here for myself in all moods and stages of health. My care is not going anywhere.