Friday, July 3, 2009

World Kisses


I just feel like the world is giving me a big kiss right now. At Whole Foods I see the Yoga Journal that mentions this blog, and I say, "Yes!" (I wrote other posts about it here and here...)

If you've been reading here for a while, you probably know that I have my demons that my yoga practice helps with. But today I came out of my yoga practice with the realization that I make people happy, and that I might be able to make someone happy--like a special someone, a man! I've had this thing going on with me where I think that below my exterior (that people seem to interpret as sweet) I'm really yucky. This word, "yucky" doesn't fit on purpose--because it's not true! But just below the face I think that I'm sharing with people, this child-like part of me has been calling me unloveable for a long time. And of course I have plenty of back-story that has seemed to support this. And today I have a totally different sense of myself. I like this one better.

One of the illusions that has held me back is the fear that I'll loose myself in relationship (as I have in the past). Another big ugly one is the idea that if I let someone get to know me in that every-day kind of way that they won't like me. Oh yeah, then there's the one where I don't want to get involved because I'll eventually hurt them. You know, because I'm a "bad seed" or something.

I want to nurture this warm nugget I feel inside myself right now: a gem that sparkles with the scent that says that "I am loveable" and that glows with the sound saying "I make others happy," in spite of the old stories that have told me otherwise. They lie. And within the contradictions that exist inside me I am free to find the truth that I am loving and equally loveable. Watch out, world, your kisses inspire me.

And as I wrote the previous sentence an attractive man startled me out of my writing as he tried to sit next to me and I scared him away. Aaaah delightful contradictions. Loveable life, I will learn to make you happy.

6 comments:

YogaforCynics said...

You've got a great thoughtful, compassionate blog and seem like a completely lovely person, Brooks. It's Mr. Attractive's loss that he got scared away so easily...

tawny said...

i think everyone owns a piece of "perceived yucky-ness". yet in our own time, we realize it's deceptiveness, lay it down and venture beyond.
congrats on your published words. how inspiring!
x tawny

Michelle said...

I know what you mean. These blogs are really sweet, and based on your post, I think you'll love them. I do.

http://unicornology.tumblr.com/
http://creampuff.tumblr.com/
http://crazybeautiful.tumblr.com/

If they hook you straight away, just keep going.

Joyfully xo Michelle

svasti said...

I can relate.

I haven't had a relationship of any kind for years now, since I was assaulted.

And its not that I don't want one - I do. But like you, I have a lot of negative self-belief about myself, my outer and inner attractiveness, my ability to form a lasting relationship, being able to let anyone in properly and the list goes on!!

But we have to look for the proof in our lives - what are we doing now?

Brooks, with your teaching and this blog, you seem to be on a path that leads to beauty. You couldn't do those things if you were a bad seed.

We have to work on those negative internal stories and break them down - see, here's proof I'm not bad! Here's proof I'm lovable! And kick those stories into the fire pit. Burn them up and just... use them as a sacrificial offering.

I'm sure without a doubt, there will be someone wonderful for you. I hope the same is also true for me. xo

Jenn said...

I've been there before and for all three reasons as well! Having been in your class I can attest to the fact that you do make people happy. And, you certainly seem loveable with so much to give and lots of room for receiving. Enjoy the "gem" and happy 4th.

Kavindra said...

Congratulations on your shout out in YJ!

Mwah. I send you a kiss along with the universe.