I just feel like the world is giving me a big kiss right now. At Whole Foods I see the Yoga Journal that mentions this blog, and I say, "Yes!" (I wrote other posts about it here and here...)
If you've been reading here for a while, you probably know that I have my demons that my yoga practice helps with. But today I came out of my yoga practice with the realization that I make people happy, and that I might be able to make someone happy--like a special someone, a man! I've had this thing going on with me where I think that below my exterior (that people seem to interpret as sweet) I'm really yucky. This word, "yucky" doesn't fit on purpose--because it's not true! But just below the face I think that I'm sharing with people, this child-like part of me has been calling me unloveable for a long time. And of course I have plenty of back-story that has seemed to support this. And today I have a totally different sense of myself. I like this one better.
One of the illusions that has held me back is the fear that I'll loose myself in relationship (as I have in the past). Another big ugly one is the idea that if I let someone get to know me in that every-day kind of way that they won't like me. Oh yeah, then there's the one where I don't want to get involved because I'll eventually hurt them. You know, because I'm a "bad seed" or something.
I want to nurture this warm nugget I feel inside myself right now: a gem that sparkles with the scent that says that "I am loveable" and that glows with the sound saying "I make others happy," in spite of the old stories that have told me otherwise. They lie. And within the contradictions that exist inside me I am free to find the truth that I am loving and equally loveable. Watch out, world, your kisses inspire me.
And as I wrote the previous sentence an attractive man startled me out of my writing as he tried to sit next to me and I scared him away. Aaaah delightful contradictions. Loveable life, I will learn to make you happy.