Choice and Integration

I have been asking myself, lately: What positive aspects of myself and good choices do I want to bring into the future? And at the same time I am striving for integration, integrity and wholeness which has seemed to require that I remember unpleasant things in my past. But I don't want to bring the woundedness forward. I want to remember and accept, but not reinjure or retraumatize myself as I look at past experiences that have the potential to make me whole, powerful and beautiful. So bringing the tools and maturity that I've accrued up to now to see the scary pieces from my past is important.

What I'm looking at here is: who is looking? Is it the little girl I still have inside me? The little girl I once was didn't think that she could control her environment, so she kept a meticulous dollhouse until friends came over and messed it up. She didn't know how to stand her ground and protect her territory. She was shamed into allowing them to do it. Nobody understood her needs, including herself. Or, is it the woman I've become who is looking at those past events with the intention of becoming healthy and whole? The woman I am today does have the ability to accept, integrate and the tools to let go of self-harming patterns of behavior.

The question of what to bring into the future is looking at the contents of my life experience and in the present moment choosing what I want to bring into my future. Do I want to bring the Brooks forward who eats sugar and coffee in the morning or do I want to bring healthier habits forward, supporting my ongoing physical health and mental well being?

Then there is the striving for integration which has to do with loosening the tight parameters of mind, and accepting aspects of my past that are hard to swallow.

So in choosing a path forward, I do not want to leave myself behind. The person I have learned to be up to now has something good to bring forward. It seems to come back to acceptance, which isn't always easy.

Yet there are things I want to leave behind, like automatic responses based on psychological fear and insecurity. I can stand proudly in my own feet.

I'd like to learn to stand on my feet in my life apart from yoga as strongly and as well as I've learned to on my yoga mat. I think that some might say the whole life is yoga, and I heartily agree. However, I am stepping into the next aspect of my own path which is looking to harmonize aspects of my life that appear to be off the mark, not working or not fitting with the vision or dream I have for myself right now.

Keep Blogging, Linda-Sama!

Recently, Linda-Sama threatened to quit contributing to her established and widely respected blog, Linda’s Yoga Journey. At first I reacted with ambivalence akin to an unvoiced, “Oh well…” But I want her to keep blogging. …Not because I always agree with what she has to say, because I don’t.

I want her to keep going on Linda’s Yoga Journey because she is very generous in sharing her viewpoint. She doesn’t seem to attempt to homogenize her personal writing into mainstream yoga speak, and I like that. What she actually writes sometimes affects me like a drink of vinegar—not how I would say it! But, that’s the point: she is saying her truth the way she sees it. And I am glad that I have had the good fortune to read it. There are also times where I do resonate with what she shares. I remember some really good book reviews she did once… I thought I might like to read those books one day.

What provoked me to write about this is a comment she received about her announcement. It starts out like this: “would that you could go quietly into the night, but that would be too much for you to manage, wouldn't it? at least you're GOING.”

I am so saddened and shocked by this comment. Using a metaphor for dying quietly is just so hurtful and wrong to receive. I know personally (not from my blog but from somewhere else), so I’m admittedly triggered into a reaction here.

The last part of the comment is also a problem for me: “one less chunk of bitchiness in the virtual yoga world; for that many of us are extremely grateful.”

I am not grateful for that thought that Linda-Sama could stop writing on her blog. I want her to keep doing it. I want to know how it goes from here.

My path of yoga right now is about accepting all the aspects of my mind. And in some ways this yoga blogging is a grand experiment, and a way to integrate and heal spiritually. So if I meet some words on Linda’s Yoga Journey that remind me of my own bitchiness… Well, I think that it’s a good reminder to acknowledge that part of myself that is a bitch and wants to squish those who don’t agree with me into the ground like bugs. And while I’ve done a good job of directing those energies into parts of myself that I value and want to cultivate, I recognize bitchiness because I have it somewhere inside myself.

And Linda-Sama, I read your blog regularly. I hope you will keep writing because you want to, not because someone sent you some hurtful words.

Welcome, Morning Malaise…

Just like giving birth can be painful and joyful, a morning malaise can yield useful realizations, and lead into a joyful day. So it is.

This is the thought I had upon waking today:
“Is maintaining life just prolonging the torture?”

Yikes! Where the heck did that optimistic little gem come from? Right?

Then I realized: “wait a minute…” And decided to look at it…

There is a technique that I like to use at the beginning of a yoga class. This past weekend I had an opportunity to use it. A student had just set up their mat, and I asked, “How are you doing?”

“I’m stressed,” she said and flashed an unhappy look.

To which I responded, “Welcome, stressed!”

To which she giggled!

I had major realizations today. It stemmed from the malaise I woke up with and cleared in my yoga practice. Just like a realization on a theatrical stage might come out of a fog, my foggy mood cleared to reveal something useful. It has to do with an awareness that entertaining negative thought patterns leads to real problems! I have acted in response to my own internal verbal abuse (harsh inner critic) and shut down where I need to energize!

I want to see of I can explain...

So it seems like the thoughts are just there. And I have been watching these thoughts like a scientist might watch the activities of cells in a Petri dish—with little interference. I admit that I have been fascinated with the process.

And I realized that to grow to another level of care for myself, that I have to do something because these self-defeating thought-streams are preventing me from fulfilling goals. “Oh, well, I’m going to die anyway,” is a pretty stupid thought that left unchecked can lead to some pretty irresponsible behavior.

I guess that I realized that I can watch my thoughts destroy the beauty I have in my life, or…

I really think that the way forward is to play the part of the welcome wagon for the macabre. I could say in my imagination, “Welcome, the one who is going to die anyway!” This is actually true. But, life isn’t about the death, it’s about what we can create and do during this time of blessing: this time where I am ALIVE.

So this morning I welcomed “the one who prolongs the torture (of being alive)”. This is a pretty depressed one. But this aspect of consciousness is not without hope! I say this because I also have the capacity to access the aspects of myself that feels that life is good now. And I recognize this negative bit as a figment from my past. And once I got going today I ended up having a really good day. I enjoyed the sun and yoga teaching and the ability to learn about myself in my practice. And I generated some good vibes with yoga!

I shared this in the hopes that if others have negativity showing up on the path to healing, that it can be okay. In fact it may be necessary to find the kind of psychological integration that is unflappable and able to help our world. And I've decided that I'm here for myself in all moods and stages of health. My care is not going anywhere.

Soul Yoga

BlissChick wrote a post about moving through depression that Svasti has been talking about, too. In her post BlissChick identified something I have been working on, and explained it really well. It has to do with unpacking the stories of one’s life.

I have had some old stories packed away inside myself and during these last several years I have been unpacking these treasures in every way I can.

One thing I think it’s important to understand about this process is that you can control the flow. In fact it might be unhealthy to do this too much or too quickly. We have the rest of our lives to unpack our baggage so there is really no rush. Working too fast can be overwhelming. It is of vital importance to move forward compassionately, and it can be helpful to include other people that you trust.

The benefits of defining your story are enormous. Unrecognized past trauma festers under the surface like a psychological boil. And when it is released we are free to heal from it. Otherwise, our reactions in everyday life can come from this unresolved stuff, resulting in unintended consequences that we do not want.

There are a number of ways to do this. As BlissChick said in her post, journaling is one—a good one. There can be fears around telling (even a piece of paper) your darkest moments. So you have to find a way that feels safe.

A student once voiced a fear of the evidence a journal might leave, and said there might be situations where a journal might be used in the court of law (perhaps, in a divorce). If this is the case, I recommend opening up a blank file on the computer, write your story and don’t save it. Just trash it at the end of the session. To be psychologically free of something we have to define it. Otherwise we can become like marionettes controlled by the unconscious machinations of repressed trauma. And there is no reason to go back to these words. Once it is done, it’s done. So I think it’s okay to throw away old journals. The benefit comes from understanding your self better, not from having a bunch of old books.

This being said, I realize that it could seem funny coming from me. After all, I write this public blog where I write personally. However, as you might imagine, I do consider what I want to share. I find a way to share the personal story if I feel that it serves the purpose of this blog. That being said, I have experienced incredible healing benefit from keeping this blog. My commitment to it has kept me moving with writing in an incredibly satisfying way. And knowing that I am sharing it with others forces me to communicate an idea fully—so someone else can get what I’m talking about. So keeping this blog has helped my growth tremendously. Another thing I consider is how these words might affect someone else. And I hope that this work is helpful to others.

Another way to define your personal story (besides journaling) is to tell it to someone else. You must trust this person, so your truth can flow freely. And this person must listen and show that they understand. It is crucial that you get a caring and non-judgmental ear for these revelations about your self.

You can also find the support of a group. I have found some of the techniques taught by Woman Within to be helpful. And I meet with a group of supportive women every two weeks.

There are also other psychological techniques where people get to experience or act out their stories. Find a way that suits you, if it suits you to do so. As I say this a mama-bear aspect of myself comes up and says: Do not allow someone else tell you that they know the answer for you, because they can’t. At this level of personal, soul work we are each on our own. What another person can teach you is a helpful technique. You must find your own understanding.

This is soul yoga—another level of integration. When we are repressing our stories to show the world an unblemished face, we (perhaps unknowingly) are also cutting ourselves off from our life force and our personal treasure. And when we become more integrated and accepting of ourselves, we also become happier and able to live more fully. Loving your self enough to define those dark bits by expressing what happened AND how you felt about it, with words written or said (possibly also with other arts like music, painting, dance, etc.) has the power to take you out of despair. I know this through my experience. It is ongoing work. It is worthwhile work. It also becomes joyful work. I dance on the bones of my past trauma. I know it might sound macabre, but this is a strange world where there is wisdom and insight to be found in birth and death.