Saturday, August 1, 2009

Choice and Integration

I have been asking myself, lately: What positive aspects of myself and good choices do I want to bring into the future? And at the same time I am striving for integration, integrity and wholeness which has seemed to require that I remember unpleasant things in my past. But I don't want to bring the woundedness forward. I want to remember and accept, but not reinjure or retraumatize myself as I look at past experiences that have the potential to make me whole, powerful and beautiful. So bringing the tools and maturity that I've accrued up to now to see the scary pieces from my past is important.

What I'm looking at here is: who is looking? Is it the little girl I still have inside me? The little girl I once was didn't think that she could control her environment, so she kept a meticulous dollhouse until friends came over and messed it up. She didn't know how to stand her ground and protect her territory. She was shamed into allowing them to do it. Nobody understood her needs, including herself. Or, is it the woman I've become who is looking at those past events with the intention of becoming healthy and whole? The woman I am today does have the ability to accept, integrate and the tools to let go of self-harming patterns of behavior.

The question of what to bring into the future is looking at the contents of my life experience and in the present moment choosing what I want to bring into my future. Do I want to bring the Brooks forward who eats sugar and coffee in the morning or do I want to bring healthier habits forward, supporting my ongoing physical health and mental well being?

Then there is the striving for integration which has to do with loosening the tight parameters of mind, and accepting aspects of my past that are hard to swallow.

So in choosing a path forward, I do not want to leave myself behind. The person I have learned to be up to now has something good to bring forward. It seems to come back to acceptance, which isn't always easy.

Yet there are things I want to leave behind, like automatic responses based on psychological fear and insecurity. I can stand proudly in my own feet.

I'd like to learn to stand on my feet in my life apart from yoga as strongly and as well as I've learned to on my yoga mat. I think that some might say the whole life is yoga, and I heartily agree. However, I am stepping into the next aspect of my own path which is looking to harmonize aspects of my life that appear to be off the mark, not working or not fitting with the vision or dream I have for myself right now.


Anonymous said...

The work of a life time, is this not?

And thanks to your yoga, you are now awake to this work. :)

There is no end to the integration, to the becoming whole, to the moving forward, and thus to the glancing backward.

We are who we have been. We are who we will be. We simply are who we are.

There is no "better self" waiting for us in "better breakfast."

Really, I think, there is only the trying and the awakening.

Grace said...

(I don't think my first commet sent, so trying again, sorry if it's a repeat)

I continue to be amazed at your ability to share such deep personal insights and questions--it takes great courage.