Even though I live in a different frame of reality today, I remember the moment it dawned on me that life was empty and basically hopeless. It was a grey day just after OSU spring break of 1990 in Columbus, Ohio, and I was feeling blue. Hung over! 19! I think it was after I had that night (when my roommates were out of town) of drunken loud crying and deep despairing all alone, humiliated after a night out at the bars. Usually I did have fun, but not this time. It was about a guy who I had admired since freshman year. Now we were sophomores and he had been alone (without girlfriend) at a party during the break, and I just didn't ask questions... I couldn't really think because I was into him being into me. So we had fun during the break, but then on that night she was back. He had treated me like I was special, almost a girlfriend I thought, and I was hopeful. And so that night I had seen him and he didn't seem to really recognize me (he had recommend the show we were at: Laughing Hyenas) and she wondered why I had come over. So it hurt. And I felt bad because I didn't know at first because I had not asked and didn't want to know; I basically had wanted what someone else had--what looked like a perfect relationship. They were so cute and cool, with great music taste. Okay, I was shallow. And I was ashamed.
Around that time at Mean Mr. Mustards, my favorite bar of those days, I had been hearing a lot of a song with lyrics that said, "birth school work death" over and over. So on that wet grey day I realized that those words were an accurate representation of life's trajectory, and that I had been born and would be through with school pretty soon, so all I had left was work and death and "that sucked"-- to use the parlance of the times.
"Since a worldview is a lens through which to view the world, if the lens negates or trivializes the world, this clouds one's awareness of and action within the world."
-Joel Kramer and Diana Alstad, 'The Passionate Mind Revisited' from the first page of the introduction.
So when I was 19 and I decided that "life sucked" I was trivializing life. I made a choice that devalued experience. It is hard to live this way, but it is a strategy to avoid pain and responsibility.
It is good that a person's worldview can change. Mine certainly has (and continues to). It has not been a quick process, but the value is beyond measure. And I credit yoga for supporting me as I have moved into a life of appreciation, richness of experience, and hope. Life doesn't suck.
I think I am creating my worldview with every thought and every action. It is an alive thing. I can think and do in the direction of hope if I choose to, and I do.