Saturday, November 14, 2009

Me with the Dust Bunnies

It is this height of mine that has revealed what is quite possibly a cosmic joke. I always wanted to win or disappear when I was a kid. When I won a game I would dance a flamboyant happy dance. And when I lost I wanted to get lost with the dust bunnies in the darkest, most unseen places. I felt so ashamed. (And I wasn't very good at games like board games or cards.)

I think it had to do with proving my worthiness in the household. When my mom became too ill to care for me, my family didn't know where I should live. Even though I was small and couldn't understand it the way they did, I had my own way of understanding it.

By any means necessary, I had to prove to whoever I was with that I was loveable. I would identify who I needed to please in any given situation and do absolutely anything to win them so they would keep me or love me. So when I saw evidence to the contrary: like loosing a game, I wanted to hide that evidence as soon as I could. This just wouldn't do!

Pretty soon, it seemed like my own physical body was evidence of my own unworthiness of love--so needy I was. So I learned, as best as I could, to disappear, to hide.

But this kind of hiding is like when a small child thinks that they have disappeared when they cover their own eyes with their hands--it is only the child's vision that is blocked, nobody else's. People were always dressing me in cute outfits, and teaching me that my appearance was important. I just learned to be quiet.

So if I appeared to not be noticed by others I thought I was safe--it was all about how the world appeared to me. And then I step into a room, super-tall and needy... Hard to miss me! Thank God! I'm so glad I'm here (Now I am!)!

So that's the cosmic joke! And now I have bunnies which is quite possibly another cosmic zinger. (Thanks, Fawn for your cute face! She's in the above photo.) And now I am also called to be louder as I tell my story, and teach yoga--kinda' funny. My creator has a sense of humor.

Thank you for one.
Thank you for all.
Thank you for my interpretations of experiences that made me feel small.
And thank you for my height: 5 feet 10 inches that made me not small at all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


RB said...

That's so funny to know that you're tall! I'm 5'11" and I've always hated being tall--but it was in my Anusara immersion that I started to see as something that could radically affirmed...if we learn from embodiment, we need to embrace being tall.

But I was wondering if you'd ever heard that tall women had a harder time with handstand...

YogaforCynics said...

The bigger you are the harder it is to be invisible...I've spent a lot of time with the dust bunnies, as well, and still feel myself pulled that way...though, there's also always been that sense of bigness...the desire to project outwards, which has tended to get me in trouble. I suspect one reason I got shat upon so much growing up was that I was never meek and mousy like the other nerds, and never had any respect for the adolescent hierarchies that said I should hide my gifts in the shadows while some asshole got to shine because he was good at basketball and knew how to push people around...though, in time, I definitely got slammed backwards enough to want nothing more than anonymity. In time I learned to project myself in ways that were less vulnerable--the implied threat of the sharp sarcastic wit, and the outsider's pose that says your-standards-of-worthiness-have-no-power-over-me-because-I-think-you-suck, knowing just what to let out and what to hold back...which still leaves a lot hidden in the shadows...maybe I should get some actual bunnies...

Kay Burnett said...

Hi Brooks--
just a quick note to say that when I saw Michelle Wie win her first women's golf tournament this afternoon on TV, I thought of you because she danced a flamboyant happy dance until they grabbed her and stuck a microphone in her face!

Anonymous said...

I was in the final year of primary school (I think) when I shot up head and shoulders above my school friends.

Definitely taller than all the boys. And with a preference for spending time alone, imagining things and reading books.

Then, highschool came around and I was never able to hear many of those school girl confidences so well, because I had to bend down to hear what my friends were saying.

I'd shift all my weight to one leg in an effort to shrink myself down. I'd slouch in my chair. I was almost resigned to thinking I'd be taller than most guys - until I eventually realised there are men out there who are taller than me!

I too, know what it is to feel 'too big'. Add in large breasts that sprouted when I was thirteen, giving all the wrong kinds of attention I never wanted or asked for... and yeah, I always thought it was hard to feel like I was being taken seriously when I simply wasn't the "right" size.

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with my physical appearance and height. Not that I'm 100% okay with it all, but I'm much closer to that than even a few years ago.

And if there's one thing I hope I can pass on to my nieces (and my own kids if they ever come into being), it will be that sense of self-love and acceptance that is so very necessary in order to be really happy.