It is this height of mine that has revealed what is quite possibly a cosmic joke. I always wanted to win or disappear when I was a kid. When I won a game I would dance a flamboyant happy dance. And when I lost I wanted to get lost with the dust bunnies in the darkest, most unseen places. I felt so ashamed. (And I wasn't very good at games like board games or cards.)
I think it had to do with proving my worthiness in the household. When my mom became too ill to care for me, my family didn't know where I should live. Even though I was small and couldn't understand it the way they did, I had my own way of understanding it.
By any means necessary, I had to prove to whoever I was with that I was loveable. I would identify who I needed to please in any given situation and do absolutely anything to win them so they would keep me or love me. So when I saw evidence to the contrary: like loosing a game, I wanted to hide that evidence as soon as I could. This just wouldn't do!
Pretty soon, it seemed like my own physical body was evidence of my own unworthiness of love--so needy I was. So I learned, as best as I could, to disappear, to hide.
But this kind of hiding is like when a small child thinks that they have disappeared when they cover their own eyes with their hands--it is only the child's vision that is blocked, nobody else's. People were always dressing me in cute outfits, and teaching me that my appearance was important. I just learned to be quiet.
So if I appeared to not be noticed by others I thought I was safe--it was all about how the world appeared to me. And then I step into a room, super-tall and needy... Hard to miss me! Thank God! I'm so glad I'm here (Now I am!)!
So that's the cosmic joke! And now I have bunnies which is quite possibly another cosmic zinger. (Thanks, Fawn for your cute face! She's in the above photo.) And now I am also called to be louder as I tell my story, and teach yoga--kinda' funny. My creator has a sense of humor.
Thank you for one.
Thank you for all.
Thank you for my interpretations of experiences that made me feel small.
And thank you for my height: 5 feet 10 inches that made me not small at all.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone