The word came to me in a dream. Yoga teacher friends--a couple--were getting into a car with me. The woman of the pair was already in the back seat of the car on the far side, behind the driver. The man was walking towards the car and said something that I couldn't hear at first, but tried to. Then he got into the passenger side of the back seat with her, and I was in the passenger seat in the front. I don't know who was driving (God?). Somehow it was the man of the couple who told me that the gal (I don't want to name names, but they are significant to me) had written down a word that was in my blog that she didn't understand. The word was "abeyance" (I saw it in my mind's eye in the dream hand written in pencil on a yellowish torn-off paper scrap resting on a brown wood table or dresser.). I enthusiastically replied like I thought I was the smartest kid in class that I thought it had something to do with letting go of shame. This is of course not the actual definition, but it might be significant to the interpretation of this dream...
The meaning of "abeyance" from the Dictionary.com dictionary on my iPhone:
1.temporary inactivity, cessation, or suspension: Let\'s hold that problem in abeyance for a while.
There's a spiritual notion that a person's life can change in an instant. Like a person can have an awareness that SUDDENLY changes everything. It might be represented by a beam of light through the clouds, or the parting of the Red Sea (or more crassly by taking a sip of your favorite big name soft drink, if the commercials are to be believed...).
The day before I had this dream I had just written a post on this blog about resistance. I have been praying in every way I have encountered over the last several years for help with this block of my resistance to life. I have prayed with yoga, meditation, tears, desperation, service, this blog, in ritual processes, in the sweat lodge, with a psychic healer a while back, in nature, and with my breath and all the cells of my being in all the ways that came along. Oh yeah, there was also the 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat... I'm sure there's more like all the different retreats I've taken, and group work processes where I had opportunities to relive and heal traumatic memories, repressed or conscious. And all these things have helped in one way or another: I know myself a HELL of a lot better than I used to... But I wonder if I also fell in love with my problem. I got to know it so well I may have inadvertently made a secure bed for JUST the two of us: me and My Problem.
But, I like the sound of that definition: Let's hold that problem in abeyance for a while.
Is it kind of goofy to trust an interpretation of a dream? Maybe. But I'm willing to see if I can live without the resistance. The word "abeyance" is a bit ominous because it is a "temporary cessation" which in dream speak could mean that I have a window of opportunity to take action. Obviously, my lifespan describes some parameters... And maybe if I can trust life enough I can find a lasting freedom from the strictures of my wounded heart.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone