Saturday, November 21, 2009

abeyance




The word came to me in a dream. Yoga teacher friends--a couple--were getting into a car with me. The woman of the pair was already in the back seat of the car on the far side, behind the driver. The man was walking towards the car and said something that I couldn't hear at first, but tried to. Then he got into the passenger side of the back seat with her, and I was in the passenger seat in the front. I don't know who was driving (God?). Somehow it was the man of the couple who told me that the gal (I don't want to name names, but they are significant to me) had written down a word that was in my blog that she didn't understand. The word was "abeyance" (I saw it in my mind's eye in the dream hand written in pencil on a yellowish torn-off paper scrap resting on a brown wood table or dresser.). I enthusiastically replied like I thought I was the smartest kid in class that I thought it had something to do with letting go of shame. This is of course not the actual definition, but it might be significant to the interpretation of this dream...

The meaning of "abeyance" from the Dictionary.com dictionary on my iPhone:
1.temporary inactivity, cessation, or suspension: Let\'s hold that problem in abeyance for a while.

There's a spiritual notion that a person's life can change in an instant. Like a person can have an awareness that SUDDENLY changes everything. It might be represented by a beam of light through the clouds, or the parting of the Red Sea (or more crassly by taking a sip of your favorite big name soft drink, if the commercials are to be believed...).

The day before I had this dream I had just written a post on this blog about resistance. I have been praying in every way I have encountered over the last several years for help with this block of my resistance to life. I have prayed with yoga, meditation, tears, desperation, service, this blog, in ritual processes, in the sweat lodge, with a psychic healer a while back, in nature, and with my breath and all the cells of my being in all the ways that came along. Oh yeah, there was also the 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat... I'm sure there's more like all the different retreats I've taken, and group work processes where I had opportunities to relive and heal traumatic memories, repressed or conscious. And all these things have helped in one way or another: I know myself a HELL of a lot better than I used to... But I wonder if I also fell in love with my problem. I got to know it so well I may have inadvertently made a secure bed for JUST the two of us: me and My Problem.

But, I like the sound of that definition: Let's hold that problem in abeyance for a while.

Yes, let's.

Is it kind of goofy to trust an interpretation of a dream? Maybe. But I'm willing to see if I can live without the resistance. The word "abeyance" is a bit ominous because it is a "temporary cessation" which in dream speak could mean that I have a window of opportunity to take action. Obviously, my lifespan describes some parameters... And maybe if I can trust life enough I can find a lasting freedom from the strictures of my wounded heart.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

6 comments:

YogaforCynics said...

Wow, Brooks, I may have to take all day to digest this incredibly thought-provoking post enough to write an intelligent (or intelligible) comment (or maybe a blog post of my own) on it, since it sums up so much I've been thinking about lately...all the different methods I've been using to deal with my resistance to life...could it be I simply don't want to let go of my dance partner at this point? Much to ponder...

svasti said...

Hey Brooks, it's definitely NOT goofy to take meaning from a dream. In my latest post, I mentioned how part of the class I prepared for my latest practice yoga teaching class, came from a dream... and I've many other instances where dream has been important to me.

I'd like to think there are many moments where our life changes in an instant, if not everything in our lives at once, then key portions of it. Shifting, giving way to a more relaxed view of life.

And I agree that sometimes a temporary cessation (or rest perhaps) can be required to see clearly. Just stopping our usual patterns, everything we normally do compulsively to see a little more clearly.

There's the same notion in the healing work I've had to do with PTSD. That at some point you have to make a jump from a person *with* PTSD to a person *healing* from PTSD. And finally to a person who is healed.

You can't do that if you're in any way attached to your PTSD. And that's easy to do, because in my own experience, I learned to identify with that condition. It became a part of my armor, I needed it to protect me from the world.

Well, until I didn't. And so I had to farewell that label, and holding on to my condition. Which, after all, is not permanent. Like anything/everything in this life!

Tom Bailey said...

Take what I say as viewpoint NOT truth:

I like what you are sharing here. I am new to yoga but have found quite a bit of the spiritual side I connect with.

I have heard the following called "transformation". Sometimes you have something bad happening - this is the mud pie theory - you think positive and no matter how positive you think you still have the negative situation ie the mudpie. Transformation is turning the mudpie into something from things like "being present" - "creating possibility" etc.

"There's a spiritual notion that a person's life can change in an instant."

Namaste

Kay Burnett said...

Everyone has spoken so eloquently about your post, Brooks. I'm going to be your alter-person and say that I believe that we all have things about ourselves that we don't like or don't fit with our image of the synced up person we believe we can be. I don't know that we have to transform in an instant. I think part of life and living is carrying on in spite of not meeting up to our own image of "perfect". And how do we do this? With courage, with heart, with caution and care not to hurt others with our deficiencies. This is acceptance. How do we accept others if we cannot accept ourselves.

I'm not going to go on because I think would end up blowing hot air (and sorry if I already have). You know me -- there are times I must take the contrarian view. I do it because I think it sheds new light on old problems.

Grace said...

Thought-provoking. I don't feel intelligent at this moment to really comment, but something to think about. I also receive insights from dreams.

Laura Hegfield said...

abeyance...sounds like that space between inhale and exhale...a place to hang out for just a little while and then inhale or exhale again...continue, resume, begin again and again. Dreams are gifts, I think. just be with it for awhile...see what other insights arise...and Brooks...love yourself, even, maybe especially the resistance...it too carries wisdom...like your dream...its All GOOD...all for BLESSING...that's my two cents...I don't even know if it makes sense...I'm tired, but still you are so wise...just know that.
Laura