Personal Answers

I don't think that someone else holds my answers for me. In this I know that I don't have answers for anybody else. But I also have experienced so much help from other people. We are experiencing this world together. The physical world, the emotional world, and the world of action are all shared. So when we hear other people, and share experiences the world becomes a better understood place. From a better understanding we can live better lives.

And as your "Yogic Muse" my self-appointed job is to tell you about my process. My reason for sharing in this way is that I don't believe that we are totally different. I think we share strong similarities! Our similarities are cloaked in different identities and experiences which can make things tricky. We all have different stories about what is going on, but when we listen to one another something magical happens. And I hope, even though I am talking about me (because I am the one I can talk about), that these words will serve as a helpful way to look at yourself--the one you call "I".

Also I invite agreement and disagreement. I'm learning as I go, too, so if you wish to share a response-comment either resonating with me or perhaps clashing and feeling that your viewpoint contrasts with mine--just know that I consider your words a blessing. I respect you. I respect me, also. So my response-comments or posts will likely reflect this.

Aparigraha-freed from assumptions and expectations

I trained my eyes to covet. I looked to my eyes to teach me how to be. I see someone who looks good and I want to look like that. I see some who is successful and I want to do like them. This is covetousness. To a degree covetousness is human nature. It’s how we learn to live in the world. Yet Aparigraha, the fifth aspect of Yama, suggests that we be free from covetousness to walk the path of yoga. And I can clearly see some benefit from not coveting things I see. I wouldn’t be disappointed when the way I do something results in a different outcome than the outcome of someone else, and have thoughts like, “Why does my life look like this, when someone else’s life looks so different, so much better or more appealing?”

In fact, yoga classes can be a site of covetous thoughts and resulting suffering. A student sees someone else’s pose and thinks that it looks effortless, and they ask, “Why is this pose so hard for me (when it looks so easy for another)?” Another way this might happen is in memory. A student remembers how they used to bend their knee so deeply, and now they can only go this far. This mental game makes students feel bad, either they’re “not as good as someone else,” or they’re “getting old.” And sometimes these frustrating thoughts cause people to quit practicing yoga. Who wants to live with thoughts of being “less than?” Who wants to feel inadequate? It’s awful to feel disappointed in oneself. So let’s give up! (I’m just kidding. Don’t give up.)

Yoga practice is an opportunity to develop inner strength. It is likely that in just about everything there are people who seem better or people who seem worse at whatever “it” is. And yoga really can help us physically with our limitations, and make life seem a little better. A person has to find the right class for them, of course. An aggressive fitness (workout-style) yoga class is not for everyone. All yoga classes are not created equally. So if you’ve found yourself dissatisfied with one, I encourage you to find another. Or find some way to inspire your practice. Yoga is the best thing I have found in life, and I can’t recommend it highly enough. (Love yoga!)

Another reason I see for approaching Aparigraha (non-covetousness) is that it’s disrespectful to myself to covet the lives of others. I have my own history, my own attributes, and my own perspective to bring to any given moment. And I think it reveals a lack of self-esteem when I think I want the life of someone else. It’s also the easy way, and a distraction because it keeps me from my real work. My work is to decipher myself, my situation, and my resources in the best way I can, and to apply what I have to this life experience, to contribute what I have, my gifts, to the world.

In terms of the yoga practice, the work of students is to bring their full attention, full effort, and most caring attitude towards the practice of yoga. In this way, a person can best obtain the benefits of practice. Notice that these suggestions have nothing to do with how fit one is, or how “good” the poses are done. Don’t let comparison with others confuse you. The practice is for you as you are. It is helpful.

Covetousness in communication and relationships. Greedy interactions.

I have observed myself (and others) dominating conversation. Bringing what I thought was true to words, without leaving enough room open for listening. I have spoken in this way, not really wanting, and even afraid to hear what the other person would say. This is a greedy way to interact in ordinary conversation. When someone does this, all of the “conversation space” is coveted by the loudmouth. And the content of the conversation is also jealously guarded by the speaker. There is a sense that a different viewpoint would somehow diminish the speaker’s truth or importance. This is fear, and far from the truth. There is actually an opportunity to explore truth with another person. In fact we can’t have a profound understanding alone. The illusion of this is a sort of mental masturbation. Our knowledge and truth is held by all of us together as a group. Greater understanding only happens when we come together and share our different viewpoints.

Greedy behavior springs from inner poverty. This is why the purely material view of life doesn’t work for me. What’s going on for me inside—invisible to others—determines how I interact with the world. Of course, what is going on for me inside, does show up in my behavior in the world, so others experience the after-effects of my inner world. This is why I seek to understand and develop my inner world. Just as light affects the chemistry and scientific processes of photography resulting in a specific photographic print, so the energy of my inner life shows up in my outer life with the same level of specificity and science as a photograph. What I see in my life is directly related to all influences from my past, like culture, genetics, animal processes (like what I’ve eaten), mental processes (how I’ve thought), and likely more.

So I seek to cultivate my inner life with yoga.

The Forgiveness Room

Just as I might cultivate a rose garden on the land, I pledge to cultivate forgiveness in myself. This morning I started by waking up early and forgiving everyone who came up as I thought about the desire to forgive. And I allowed them, in my mind’s eye, to forgive me, too. My heart softened pleasantly as I did this. I imagined a room inside myself, and invited different instances from my experience to be forgiven.

Later, when I was on the train, I imagined that the car I was on was an extension of my forgiveness room. And if anything might come up that would ordinarily annoy me—like if someone were to talk loudly on the cell phone right by me—I intended to invite it to meet my forgiveness right away. I had a pleasant ride. As I walked to the yoga studio I imagined that everything I could experience outside at any given moment was a part of my space of forgiveness. I had a pleasant walk.

Then, when I taught the first private yoga session I imagined that the room I was in was the room of forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself for a couple things I said, and I did it right on the spot. I forgave my judgmental mind because it wasn’t so much what I said, but an internal judgment of, “stupid,” that needed to be forgiven. I’m hard on myself, and I can forgive my critical mind.

The mind must open to forgive. The heart must open to forgive.

But, an angry or resentful mind closes down to defend a position. An angry mind can’t see clearly. It judges harshly. An angry mind is stuck going round and round in the same place. An angry heart hardens into a little ball. An unforgiving mind demands or cries, “Why can’t you see me?”

And a forgiving mind can listen—even to anger and resentment. The forgiving mind can see hot emotions without loosing itself. A forgiving mind can learn. A forgiving mind and heart can love someone and see his or her limitations. The heart is expansive. And a forgiving and confident mind might say, “I see you, and I’m comfortable in myself.”

A mind that forgives can grow. A mind that forgives can relax. A mind that forgives can love freely with warmth and support from the heart.

Satya: Slippery or Sublime?

Satya, the second aspect of Yama, means truth. Now, if I consider this to be the kind of truth that is about me in a particular moment in time, as time goes on this truth is likely to change. But if I see it as a larger entity about connectedness, community or wholeness, then truth is sublime.

The slippery truth…

Truth can look unclear when we try to see it in an individual’s life-story. For example there was a time, when I was attending the Ohio State University, when I thought I was in love with a really handsome art student (and I was 18 years old). I still remember the kiss we had on “the oval.” It was ferociously windy and grey, but when we kissed the wind calmed. And I thought that the world was making space for our personal love to blossom. Over the summer, I poured my best feelings into a letter. It was a work of art that included a beautiful black-and-white picture of cobblestones that I had taken in Europe. The stones spoke of earth and infinity with the magic of perspective.

Later I had learned what he had been thinking about during that time. When he came back for fall semester, he told me that he did not love me at all, and that he had just been “horney” when he met me. So I told him that I was mistaken in the letter. And he couldn’t believe that, because it was the most beautiful letter he had ever received. I asked him to destroy the letter because it was false. It was false because I didn’t have all the facts when I wrote it.

So for me, in my feelings toward an individual (the handsome art student), I had experienced a big shift. This is slippery truth. “I love you with all my being,” changes to, “you betrayed me,” in this story. It was a loss of trust in my feelings of love, because I had pinned it on an individual. But, now I think that my feelings of love are so much bigger than that, one other person is not responsible for the infinite capacity for love I feel in myself. The love I feel for another person is a doorway toward love’s treasure within me, within this world.

Sublime truth.

When I observe all the ways I was cared for by so many different people in my life, and that this care in the world gave me the ability to be where I am right now, writing this entry, I am astounded. It fills me with awe to see within my life how everything I have experienced feeds into and enriches this moment I am living right now. It is beyond an adjective, to consider how the lives of my ancestors gave me the gift of life, or even how their needs and desires may live on in me. In what way, or to what degree do their struggles reflect mine?

I might go on but I find myself without words to do it. Thank you for reading. I value the connection we have. Be well.

…

Alright, I’m back. In the paragraph above I talked about connections between people across time. Another way sublime truth can be observed is in a group of people in the present moment. This can happen when differences of opinion can live in the same space, and a larger understanding can be perceived, but possibly not easily talked about. And of course this can be seen as a model or workspace for meditation. In meditation we inevitably confront contradictions inside ourselves. And we can’t turn away from ourselves the way we can another person. So working with a group that allows enough room for different points-of-view, can help us work more compassionately with ourselves.

So, in terms of the yoga, this truth—Satya is about acceptance. And this kind of acceptance can make the world a better place, a place where we can listen to and hear other people, and we can experience ourselves being heard, as well. It is also about honoring the infinite ways in which we are connected in any given moment and across time. (I know yoga is a timeless state, perhaps even beyond time, but from my perspective as an earth-being this is how I see it.)

Studs Terkel Listened

In 2001 I was lucky enough to attend the party for the 25th Anniversary of In These Times magazine, where Studs Terkel spoke. Before the party, I remember meeting him because he was so friendly, and his smile was so wonderful. I had the impression that he wanted to linger and talk for a while, but others wanted to move him along as he was the honored guest that night. After that introduction I felt as if I was listening to a friend speak later that night. So easy was his ability to connect!

During his talk that night I also had what might be a mystical insight of sorts. While he was talking, tears came to my eyes as I had a visceral experience of connecting to the energy that Studs Terkel was speaking from. It literally felt like an incredibly stimulating vortex of energy and lightness was drawing my attention toward him. Particles of sensation in my body were moving in that direction. And I realized that this was a man who was perfectly in line with himself. He was doing exactly what he came here to do. How fortunate I felt to experience such a thing! So powerful and moving were his words!

Since Studs Terkel passed away on October 31, 2008 I have been hearing on the radio, WBEZ, (thanks to my election-induced fevered addiction to the news) recorded interviews with Terkel, as well as interviews that Terkel did with others during his career. He had a particular gift for getting amazing interviews from so-called ordinary Americans. But when you hear these interviews you realize that these people are far from ordinary. These people tell extraordinary stories on topics that include the Great Depression and how another person’s race affects how someone acts toward them.

One interviewer asked Terkel, “What makes a good interview?” He answered, “It’s listening…and respect. They know you respect them because you are listening.”

There were also a couple instances in the interviews where people being interviewed by Studs Terkel observed that they learned how they really felt by telling their story. A teacher who was interviewed for one of Terkel’s many books (Race: How Blacks and Whites Think and Feel About the American Obsession) shared that the interview changed his life. Through his own words, he realized that his expectations of his students affected their performance.

My observations lead me to believe that we can’t understand ourselves by ourselves. We need to tell our stories. We also need to listen to others. The world offers constant reflections about our truth, if we can train our eyes to see and our ears to hear instead of merely relying on past remembrances to decode what is happening in the present moment. We must remain curious.

There is wisdom in the quote from an interview, “Hope subsides, but curiosity remains.” There was also a piece that said something about “loving the world enough to quarrel with it.”

And as Studs Terkel proclaimed for his own epitaph:
“Curiosity did not kill this cat.”

Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Barack Obama,

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother’s (Madelyn Dunham’s) illness. My heart goes out to you. And at the same time I am inspired by your decision to interrupt your campaign to go see her. In fact it makes me proud to be an American to see the Democratic nominee for President honor a grandmother in this way. Go and get her blessing. I feel so strongly about this because my grandmother was special, too.

My grandmother, Doris Ekhardt Rideout (Nana to me), taught me the wisdom in listening, for listening is love. Throughout my life Nana patiently and lovingly listened to my ideas, both the good ideas, and the not-so-good ideas. In her listening there was a sense of care, excitement (like bubbly joy) and curiosity. Her ability to listen was absolutely unwavering and nonjudgmental. There were times when I felt I was challenging her sensibilities by what I was saying, but she stayed curious, and never shut me down. This allowed me to trust her and to open up more and share more than I had planned on, and sometimes more than I knew was there. She was always happy to hear from me. She honored my being here in a way that I cherish deeply. This relationship was built over my lifetime, until Saturday, March 03, 2007 when she left her body. For me, this experience of having been witnessed in this way by someone for so many years was the best gift in my life.

Listening creates space for the person who is being listened to. This space creates room for us to see who we are, and when we listen to each other with a sense of openness, joy and curiosity there is even more potential for us to learn and grow. The gift of listening is one I use in my relationships with others, and it helps me in my work as a yoga teacher. My students get the benefit of Nana’s ear, when life’s discoveries and losses come up for them. I believe that we all want to be heard, and that when we can be truly heard with care and love, there is a vast potential for healing. Nana was a great teacher in my life.

Thank you, Nana! Your memory means so much to me. May your wisdom shine through in my actions. And Nana, if you can, will you see that Barack Obama makes it safely to the White House? I’m sure you would have voted for him. And whenever Madelyn Dunham finds her way (no rush) will you welcome her? You will probably be great friends.

Support for Change

Many yoga practitioners say that when they come to a class they work harder than when they practice at home. Somehow it can be harder to maintain motivation to do a full practice at home. Maybe we come home tired, or there are too many distractions.

The support of having a teacher and fellow students working really gets me going. Even listening to energizing music can help. Having support makes making change more natural. Support helps create space for change.

When a person starts on the path of yoga, whether they know it or not they are on a path of change. This could be because change is the truth of experience. It also could be because when a person is practicing yoga it’s harder to hide from the truth. The body feels different. I became aware of myself in a different way when I committed to my yoga practice.

I learned to become myself in a different way when I got into yoga. Before yoga my attention was on pleasing others. Then, my attention shifted to getting to know myself. And now I want to learn how I can connect more deeply with others, keeping my sense of myself intact.

This is a place where I must give myself support. Nobody else can really know what is best for me, except me. Only I know. Yet, there have been times in my life when I have wanted to give that away. It was much easier to focus on someone else. But, when I have done that it left a vacancy inside myself. And I now feel that it does myself a disservice to the extent that it’s almost criminal.

I came here with a particular take on life, and my experiences have further guided me into a sense of myself that I have to honor. If I don’t it’s a waste of myself. It’s my birthright to be me, even though at times it has been hard for me to accept the responsibility.

I think the level of self-rejection I used to have is unique, yet a part of me doubts this thought. In the past, the most important thing was pleasing other people (as I mentioned earlier). Seeing the smiling look of approval on the face of another was like hitting the emotional jackpot. Or, hearing the words, “good, Brooks” sent my spirit soaring. I’m more suspicious of these patterned reactions, now.

The impersonal format of a group yoga class gave me the support I needed to have quality time with myself. I started to wake up. During the period of time I’m thinking about, I was practicing Ashtanga yoga. Somehow the support of those teachers, and the repetition of the classes, as well as the quietness of the Mysore-style practice provided a fertile ground for transformation within myself.

I don’t know how else I might have found myself in the chaos of this world.

A friend made an observation when I remembered a detail of what I heard him say last week. He had forgotten that he had mentioned it to me, so when I said it he was a little freaked out, like I was psychic or something. I shared that I had only remembered what he said, and that I tend to remember what people say. He responded by saying that it must mean less space for me with other people’s thoughts bouncing around in my head.

And eureka! Maybe that’s why many people don’t really listen or remember what others say, because they feel that they’ll loose that space for themselves.

I think (not being a brain scientist) that we have infinite capacity to hear others. The feeling of tight brain space is an illusion that can be remedied by a regular practice of letting go, like yoga. Listening is a wonderful and priceless gift we can give another being.

To be able to support another by listening can help that person locate their self. Listening in this way provides space in the chaos of life, space to flourish, room to change.