Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Not Blogging is Really Hard!

I first thought that I might do this as a time capsule entry that I would choose to release on or after June first. But I now think that I just might get up from this savasana a bit early. It's kind of like when I sit down for a 30 minute meditation, and then decide that it's time to get going after 20 (don't look too closely at the math...). It's still good that I've meditated! And I sure am not about perfection... Nope. And I can see that I've gotten some good stuff out of the amount I've done. Maybe I'm ready to roll over to the right side of my body, rest there for a bit, and then use my hands and arms to push myself up to a seated position, and blog!

I just do want this writing to remain as a regular part of my life. The yearning bursts from me like something beautiful.

It is only the 12th day of my month-of-May 2010 blog savasana and I've been really missing it. The first week was okay, but around the 10th day it got hard; I wanted to get back to it! I miss the sense of involvement and distraction that blogging can provide. Blog me up, Scottie!

I love you my precious blog, and cherished readers!!

This time spent not blogging has yielded valuable personal insight for me. I am looking for more and maybe there's not more. So basically I have been wondering if I have been just using this extra time so far to abuse myself--not too helpful...

But I did have a very personal and seemingly key breakthrough about a block in my Very Personal life. Yes! I have one. And I think that my blog moratorium has allowed the space for this to happen. I have forced myself to sit with it. In the process I drank wine.

I had observed behavior in myself around blogging that I felt was out-of-synch for me, even though I was doing it. The first thing I was doing every morning was checking my blog traffic information: how many "unique visitors" saw my blog the day before. I think living this way cheapens my existence. When I mentioned this to a friend, she made me laugh about it. So, of course, it could not possibly cheapen my actual existence here as that is totally out of my control. But, I do find that the way I start my day sets the tone for the day. So if I start with a prayer, the world might seem more magical. And if I start with meditation, I might start with a greater awareness of my mental soup, and awareness, period. Starting with yoga leaves me with a greater sense of physical precision and activation. Or if I start the day providing food and water for my bunnies, and pet them, I am starting from a stance of care and connection that extends far beyond those first moments.

I think that the wee hours are holy. So when I use those first moments at about 4:30 am to check my site statistics on my iPhone something seems wrong with that picture. Am I living to see the number of visitors to my Web site? No... But, I love visitors very much! And I am living to live my life, truthfully--not perfectly!

I haven't looked at those statistics during this blog break. I determinedly have deleted my statistics emails every day, to remind me about what I'm not doing--blogging! What a horror...

So as I get back to blogging, I plan to wait to see those stats until a bit later in the day...just not first thing. Because I'm worth it. I wish to honor the beauty of existence in some way that seems appropriate. Waking up in the morning is a blessing, and I just want to honor that in some way every day before I move on to other activities and blogging.

I am so happy to post this entry!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Anonymous said...

Welcome back, Brooks! I was just wondering the other day how you were going. :)

I have to agree - I've developed a habit of getting up in the morning and logging on. As if I'm not online enough for the rest of the day! I don't need the internet before work, when I can meditate, do yoga and get ready for work unhurriedly instead!

The checking of the stats thing IS funny. Personally, I only pay my stats the tiniest bit of attention. I write for me, and not for popularity. And I'm sure you feel the same in some way!

Eco Yogini said...

yay!!! welcome back :)

you know- I agree. the other day I said to Andrew that I was tired of our co-internet-computering. so i put on the jazz channel and we made cookies and played cards. it was wonderful.

i think about the blog stats... i'm really happy that with blogspot it isn't automatically there. With wordpress (with my Halifax Yoga COmmunity space) it's impossible to ignore, it's automatically there. and kinda depressing and anxiety raising.

i love that with EcoY I never think too much about who and how many people are reading....

Much Blessings and welcome back!

ps- yesterday for Coffee and yoga our topic was the 8 limbs. I knew you had a butterfly on them- so I read your post and actually used it as reference- it was great thank you!

Unknown said...

Site statistics don't really tell you that much. I think if people start becoming regular visitors, then come out of their bolthole to post a comment here & there are what matters. Numbers aren't a sign of popularity or give you a sense of community.

Glad you are back!

Carrie said...

I missed your blog I always check it one of my favorites

Namaste_Heather said...

Hey Brooks,
Loved this post and it sound like you had a break-through. I love your blog and you always seem very centered in your posts! Keep coming back to that core. Blog stats are just that - you know that. Thank you for your honesty ;-)

Sevapuri said...

Hi Brooks, glad to see you back, i find there there is something inheently special/holy about the mornigs & when i log on first thing i physically feel the disconnection to the present space/place around me. So now as its winter i stumble around in the dark light a candle & sit or do asana, as you said it has a way of nourishing the rest of the day

YogaforCynics said...

And we've missed you, too.

Of course, I've been kind of doing the opposite...not on a blog savasana, but barely blogging, anyway. Probably, if I did declare a savasana as you did, I'd come running back in no time. Funny how these things happen...

I actually quit checking blog stats a year or so ago, having decided it was simply making the whole blogging thing more like an empty numbers game than anything more yogic (I believe it was shortly before I made that decision that you called me on throwing porny-sounding words into my posts for the blatant purpose of getting more hits...and you were of course was a sign of just how hung up on the numbers I was getting, and how much frustration that was engendering).

Actually, one thing that's been interesting in writing for Elephant is that not only can't I help seeing that number of views at the bottom of the posts when I check for comments, but I can't help seeing other people's numbers when I read their posts. So, it becomes a bit of a challenge not to get into a gnarly competitive space. But, then, what's life without challenges?

Unknown said...

i bet most bloggers/writers go through what you speak of. i eventually stopped caring if anyone read mine or not & started writing only to please myself. arriving at that place with so many lessons learned, it's kind of liberating. writing IS a form of meditation. a blog is an easy way to share, like a home cooked meal.
thanks for your honesty & pure spirit :-)

Brenda P. said...

I like to think of alcohol as "liquid yoga." I'm glad it helped ease you to a new place.

Re. stats--I sort of marvel more than anything else about how many people are out there in the world reading about yoga (judging from the many different visitor paths). Plus it helps be give thanks for any links I may have missed. But, yes, I certainly get the obsession with hits...

Blogging has become such a habit, I think I'd have a pretty hard time taking much more than a 2 week break, too. I'm kinda like that with teaching yoga...hmmm.

Nice to hear from you!

Rhiannon said...

glad you are back ,Brooks, I appreciate your truthfulness. Yes, I check my stats too, I am embarrassed at this narcissism on my part.I guess the truth lies some where between hoping to have a community of like minds to share with and a space for myself to reflect some thoughts and feelings in a consistent manner, a practice, a discipline, a rhythm .

Tiffany Hutchings said...

Welcome back! I think it's great you took some time to think about all of this (and other things). It's also great that you realized during that time that you really want blogging to be part of your life. I'm pretty new to it, but the community here in the yoga blog world has amazed me.

My biggest problem is that I've become so interested in so many other blogs that I'm online way too much. I've got to find a balance, and one rule I made for myself was that I can't log on when I first wake up. I agree that it's not a connecting way to begin the day.