Thank you for YOU! I appreciate all readers.
...Even if there has been a bump or some kind of difficulty in our relationship: I'm glad you're here (even if you don't like me, and of course I like it when you like me.).
Changes are here! I believe them to be the kind of changes that I explained in this video about my reading of The Magic Mountain, by Thomas Mann—changes that slowly ripen over time...
I am a changing being—no joke. I believe it because I am living it.
I've heard people say oh such-and-such, they are always this way... And there seems to be assumptions about people not changing, well, I am changing.
And I don't mean that I reject my old self (or selves): I love her dearly. She is my precious one.
I've had some insight from a recent makeup consultation—I'm not kidding! At some point I would have thought that to be so superficial, but I really valued the experience and results (which you can see in the above image).
It was about bringing this one (the person I am now) out more vividly into the world.
I saw something in my eyes that I'd never seen before.
It's someone who has secrets (in a good way).
In the past I have felt raw, open and unprotected. I seemed to require approval from everyone I met, which is (of course) not possible. Even worse, I think that I wanted everyone to forgive my sins, which is something that nobody else can do for me... What was so bad about me doesn't really make sense for this woman in an adult body. It had something to do with childhood wounds which I had zero control over.
The makeup brought out my eyes in a more vivid way, while offering a boundary—a mask if you want... I'm thinking that I want to present myself vividly to the world while maintaining a safe and nurturing interior space for the images and memories from my past. And only sharing what I want.
It seems very feminine (another concept that I've had some difficulty with) to maintain safety in a protected internal space while sharing what I want. Offering what I choose to as a gift to my friends (instead of desperately looking for their approval or love to fill my old wound) seems like a really awesome way to be.
In the past I see or remember myself almost compulsively over-sharing to just about any friend who offered a generous ear, or I was completely shut off from them. This was due to my unattended to internal pain—it really seemed too much to bear on many occasions. And so I needed others to save me, yet nobody else could. Only I can.
And I can.
I like her, too:
The above picture is good old me without makeup, early in the morning at the Willis Tower Skydeck.