Pliable Edges

This week I seek to push against my own edges.

I heard from Rusty Wells that it's worth it: "Most people don't even know where their edge is." This was part of the answer to a question I asked:

What is the relationship between Ahimsa (non-harming) and pushing beyond the limitations of mind in poses?

This question was born out of my experience in his workshop at Moksha Yoga this past weekend: Rusty really encourages people to do more than they think they can, and sometimes it hurts to go beyond what you think you can do. But you don’t know until you try it. And when you do go beyond what you thought you could there is an incredible sense of accomplishment. So the experience was empowering for me, and I was just a bit sore afterwards.

And in life I do tend to enter into experiences that I am familiar with, which is fine. However, I do feel the call to go beyond that, but how?

Rusty also said that he practices before he teaches, and that he pushes himself hard. Otherwise he wouldn’t be okay with telling other people to do this hard work.

Pushing beyond what I know to be limits IS painful and scary. It proves that I don’t really know what I thought I did. But this is the kind of pain and fear that is good. This kind of pain might not be himsa (harmful). In fact it might help me grow beyond my complacency.

How can you even approach going beyond what you think you already know? The easiest way is when someone else takes you there. Like, a yoga teacher might help you to see that you can do a pose that you didn’t think you could.

But in a personal yoga practice, I guess I do it when I listen to the sensations in my body. I tend to get more sore in my personal practice than I do in most classes, and I think it’s because I’m better at being at my real edge in the poses when I’m practicing on my own. I’m also a lot more flexible in my own space and timing.

In meditation, I also seem to get opportunities to see a new angle on things, or when I wake up from a dream I might also have a revelation.

In my daily life I’d like to be better at recognizing the opportunities to see new things in people and places I already know. And I’d like to allow these fresh insights guide me out of my cloying comfort zone. Or more appropriately, I’d like to expand my zone of comfort to include trying more new things. And maybe I can get started by looking for the pliable edges. At the edge I can experience what I know and shift to experience something new, and adapt to that using the language I already am familiar with to start to describe and embrace something new.

Jai! This is how the classes with Rusty Wells ended. It means victory, or right on! Something like that…

Initial Judgments Aside

On the first night of a yoga workshop with Rusty Wells, he reminded me a little bit of Robert Duvall in The Apostle. He was stamping and singing with a fervor that startled me. That night reminded me of some kind of Christian revival in Sanskrit. The experience challenged my sensibilities, to put it mildly...

When we were in dog pose we were instructed to lift one leg and place it right above the butt of the person next to us (I thought). Then his colleague came over and adjusted my foot so it touched my neighbor’s butt. I thought that was rather strange, and felt I should have the choice of not touching this other person’s butt if I didn’t want to… Anyway, maybe I was missing something here or I simply didn’t get it.

The next morning I considered whether I should go back, and spent some time complaining about it internally. I found myself wondering if it was “real yoga.” Then I asked myself the question: What is real yoga? What came to me was the following: Real yoga is opening your heart to another viewpoint. So I went back and I’m very glad and grateful I did.

The Saturday sessions may have been the most physically intense yoga experiences I have ever had. That in itself is kind of cool. His vinyasa yoga instruction has an accuracy and speed that made the class at times seem like vinyasa on steroids. The music had a relentless beat that helped energize the poses when energy was waning. It’s also weird to me that when I looked around people would be in yoga poses moving to the beat of the music, and I sometimes caught myself doing the same thing.

In the end I did find myself just kind of enjoying the wild ride.

same pose, (different side) different day

This is a Guest Muse by Kay Burnett:

In my yoga practice, the balance poses are a particular challenge, the left and right sides being very different. Some days a simple tree pose is effortless, other days the same pose is impossible! What is going on? That is a big question for me and one I try to experience when I am practicing but now and here I'm willing to put words around, thus analyze it.

The focus of the balance for me, besides the basic challenge of standing on one foot, is to allow my tailbone to drop, to allow my hips to level, to allow my shoulders to drop and to extend up and out of the core pelvis, waist and hips. I find that on my "good" side, I can often get to the point where I am feeling the bits lining up. On my "bad" side, the balance alone is a huge challenge and often in a class, the pose is over before I've gotten to my goal of feeling aligned. In my classes with Brooks, I am encouraged to take the time I need to complete the pose and when I feel that I am close, I will take her encouragement to heart.

My problem (as I perceive it) is a knee that does not always respond as my brain asks. It is lacking cartilage and is often stiff and painful. And then the opposing hip comes into the situation. And so the story goes!


I can most often balance equally on both sides if I choose to modify the pose to a foot to the opposite calf. It feels more stable on the "good" side and I can hold it for some time on both sides. Since I can often balance in a fuller pose, with foot to thigh, on the "good" side, I feel the challenge to even the sides. This is where the wobblies get extreme. I have learned not to be agitated or angry with myself for not getting it but I continue to try to complete the fuller pose on both sides.

We want to balance the balance -- same on both sides. I always hear, do the same thing on this side that you did on the other. And when that is accomplished, it does feel like success!

Does it make a difference if we start on our easy side or our hard side? I have a tendency to start on my hard side, go to the easy side and sometimes come back to the hard side one more time.

And what I would like to do at some point, is carry the balance story into life events in addition to yoga. How do we balance in our lives, on both sides, our own desires and realities of what is good for us with the demands and expectations of those others in our lives?

Uncommon Reach

Okay, so I guess the word "atonement" is burdened with a notion of "paying back" for having done something really bad. And in this process you are going to suffer terribly according to Hollywood drama, and other fear-rending storytelling.

However "atonement" in a more wholistic sense is definitely something I want to infuse my life with. And words like "discipline", "effort", and "investment" pale in comparison for me. They miss what I am aiming for in the previous post. They are all very good words for describing the acts around harnessing one's will consistantly towards a goal.

What I am reaching for in my exploration of the uncommon, possibly dusty, and slightly off-putting word (for many of us) is a comprehension of spiritual integration in the physical aspects of my life.

In a spiritual sense there is often a recognition of the idea that someone can "wake up" to a larger truth in life. Like, hey (!) maybe life is about more than making money, buying the right products, and looking young forever. A person can get an awareness of connectedness and overwhelming love when contemplating the universe, doing the dishes, looking at a flower, taking out the trash, practicing yoga, etc. A flame of spiritual awareness can get lit inside someone, maybe inside everyone.

So I have found myself waking up to the idea (over time) that, "Life doesn't suck." This is the opposite of what I told myself and my friends from my teens (possibly younger) through some of my twenties which was, "Life sucks." ...not very clever or original, but true nonetheless. I really believed it when I said it and thought it, and for me the cliche caried the weight of great sadness and disappointment. But it wasn't true. It's just how I chose to view my experience at that time. And it was through the practice of yoga that I started to see my life through the filter of a different viewpoint. (I also think that I can send some credit to a dear relationship that started in my mid-twenties that made hanging out at the bar not-so-appealing anymore.) Things started getting better.

Actions that were taken or not taken from someone with the viewpoint that contains "Life Sucks" can cause serious problems. And it has taken me years of dedicated yoga practice and looking at myself through different techniques including meditation and my women's group to get to a point where I feel like an inferno of enthusiasm, and want to make a difference in my life. So from my more recent viewpoint, some actions not taken in the past are viewed as mistakes even though I did the best I could with what I understood at the time. Today, if I were to continue to ignore undone things I would be living in the past, and ignoring a real situation based in past mistakes. So in a spiritual sense I am atoning when I am putting work into correcting past errors. And from an earthly perspective it really would be accurate to say that I am honing my discipline, or making an investment in myself and my future by contributing to my life situation.

But, I also see imprinted in these mistakes spiritual lessons I must have needed to learn, because that's what happened. So it becomes atonement when I reach for a spiritual healing through actively correcting a real life daily situation that is not right.


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Seeing it Differently

Acknowledge, Forgive, Atone.

I see things differently, today. What was once shameful can now be let go. It all has to do with balance.

I have been onto the subject of atonement for about a week. It's one of those words (like shame once was for me) that I could give an intellectual definition for, but without really understanding what it meant.

I see actions of atonement as sacred offerings.

Things can get out of balance in life due to many reasons, some of them we can understand, and others are completely beyond ones comprehension.

My mission in life is to take on what I can and do something about it, even if it's not my fault. This will help put things into balance.

When I eat at a public place, and someone has left a bit of trash on the table, this mission is easy to follow. First I acknowledge the trash. Then I forgive the apparent oversight of whoever was there, or maybe a tired staff that didn't make it to my table. Then I atone by taking action--either cleaning it myself or asking for help. And I offer it up. I am grateful for my experience. Maybe I have left the place a little nicer for the next person.

But for some reason it hasn't been as easy to take the same kind of responsibility for my own mental space. When I have found emotional debris inside, sometimes I exacerbate it by feeding anger or hurt toward myself or someone else. So if I am in line with my mission I am going to acknowledge, forgive, and atone rather than fuel bad feelings.

Bad habits can accumulate problems: debt, clutter, physical toxicity or even illness. What if I were to uncover an awareness about emotional eating: eating fatty high carb, sugar snacks to cover up sadness or frustration? Well what if I also remember that this is how emotions were dealt with by people I grew up with. Like, what if eating seemed like the only pleasurable thing that happened around the house? Clearly, there is an opportunity to place blame on upbringing. But continuing unhealthy behaviors like this doesn't do any good.

So in order to make a positive contribution to my life, it is up to me to take responsibility for what I find in myself, whether it is my fault or not because ultimately it affects me. First I acknowledge the behavior--I recognize that it is a regular fixture in my life. Then I forgive myself for having given energy to this behavior that is harmful in that it keeps me emotionally stunted--I have been eating and stuffing my feelings down my own throat rather than truely acknowledging my reality. And I forgive myself for behaviors that have also been a drag on my physical health.

The next step is atonement: what am I going to do about it. I might want to plan to process my emotions through writing or communicating to trusted support. I am also going to make a better choice in the moment. When I am running towards that brownie and coffee, can I stop that action and atone instead? I could atone by sitting down to write, or taking some deep breaths, or if there is available space I can go meditate, or do a yoga practice. Or maybe I can choose a healthy snack if I am hungry. These might just be first steps, I realize: I might discover other actions I can do to continue to atone and further balance myself. And as difficult, or not-so-difficult things come up I can do something and offer these things up, because in processing these things I am accomplishing my divine work, and clearing myself to be of greater service to this world and my community. The less caught up in myself I am the more I can help.

So atoning for me means doing something to balance a situation. Acknowledging and forgiving might be primarily mental activities, but atoning, the way I am seeing the word, is taking a physical action like going through the paperwork that is past due, or actively doing something helpful instead of doing the unhealthy activity, or cleaning up the clutter. And then offering these actions to a higher power or greater good, and trusting that there is something good on the other side of what was once the overwhelming problem.



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Froggie Inspirations

I really liked Kermit the frog as a child, and I still think he's cute. In The Muppet Movie he represented hopefulness, awkwardness, innocence, courage, and morality--I remember him doing the right thing. Kermit had a dream, and he was a leader!

When I was seven or eight I received a similar doll to the one in the picture. Mine had velcro on his hands, and his skin was felty-soft. Froggie! I liked to hug my Kermit. I used to enjoy playing with alive frogs and toads too, even before I knew Kermit. For some reason I was really attracted to them (sorry guys). They probably didn't like the way I would force feed them dead flies... "Frog should eat," I probably thought. I remember one time when the fly went in the jelly-filled mouth, the frog flipped it right back out. At that point I understood that the frog didn't like that.

Later in life I enjoyed finding out that frogs are symbolically rich: since frogs are amphibians, they can live in two realms: water and land. This is similar to humans: our two realms are the physical world and the spiritual one. And just like the frogs are wonderful swimmers (I love watching them), we have skill in the realm of spirit if we put attention there. Frogs are also beautiful jumpers on land, and we have shown great facility in the earthly realm also.

Frogs also go through a fabulous transformation from tadpoles (so cool) into frogs. And we, too, have the potential to transform our lives and experience the world in new ways once we fulfill our potential for spiritual fluency, so our spiritual parlance can be as powerful as our earth speak.

Check out Kermie's sun salutations!

Thank you YogaDork for reuniting me with my early love with your post today!

The Great Divide

I think that there is a great divide between me and you, and those are just thoughts. I think I can help you be happy when I am suffering, and those are just thoughts. I think I can hate you and still like me, and those are just thoughts.

"Many people used to ask Ramana Maharishi what they could do for the world. He always asked them, "Who is doing for whom?" Thus their focus was turned to their own selves. If I want to make you happy, I myself should be a happy person. If I am sad, how can I make you happy? To make you smile, I should first of all know how to smile. I should know what peace is to bring peace to you. We have to discover the peace within ourselves, the joy within ourselves."
-Guru Nitya Chaitanya Yati, 'That Alone: The Core of Wisdom'

What is with the illusion of difference? I mostly see connection.

When I am running at an emotional deficit I am going to try to take what I need from you. Or I might shut myself down in an attempt not to feel my own neediness. I also might self-regulate through overeating, drinking, coffee, or other distraction.

There is another option that I believe in, even though it might not be immediate or foolproof. We are still human after all and our relationships with one another are important--it's part of our important work here to communicate and work together. This option I'm talking about is filling up spiritually every day to help put ones best foot forward in our relations with one another.

Including atheists! No "God" required--if the word trips you up. But this "filling up" can also include the God of your own personal understanding.

What is necessary is allowing quality time for yourself to fill up. How can you offer to someone else what you don't already have:

Love. Peace. Contentment. Wellness. Happiness.

Looking for others to provide these experiences for us is a desperate quest. We need to take responsibility for having love in our lives, and happiness, peace, etc. Can we do it overnight? Maybe not. But can we do things to make attainment more likely? Yes! And is it worth it to give it a shot, rather than living a life of inner impoverishment? Don't you think so? I do.

This is a spiritual pursuit. And people can choose to fill up in different ways: meditation, yoga, gardening, prayer, chanting, nature walking, breath awareness, and so on. Any activity that is personally refreshing, inspiring and centering for you. When you do it there is a sense of being at home in yourself. You might be so absorbed in what you are doing that you loose track of time. You leave the activity feeling relaxed and inspired--ready for anything and able to meet the challenges of life creatively. You feel good about yourself and your life afterward.

Yoga is particularly good for me because it offers technique for relaxing the tension in my body. When I regularly release my tension in this way I can think more clearly, and I am less reactive to situations in my life that can set me off. I am more likely to do things in line with my best self. I am more open, energetic, creative, and joyful. So with yoga I have the opportunity to release my anxiety and fill up spiritually so that I am in a more loving place in my daily life.


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