Choice and Integration

I have been asking myself, lately: What positive aspects of myself and good choices do I want to bring into the future? And at the same time I am striving for integration, integrity and wholeness which has seemed to require that I remember unpleasant things in my past. But I don't want to bring the woundedness forward. I want to remember and accept, but not reinjure or retraumatize myself as I look at past experiences that have the potential to make me whole, powerful and beautiful. So bringing the tools and maturity that I've accrued up to now to see the scary pieces from my past is important.

What I'm looking at here is: who is looking? Is it the little girl I still have inside me? The little girl I once was didn't think that she could control her environment, so she kept a meticulous dollhouse until friends came over and messed it up. She didn't know how to stand her ground and protect her territory. She was shamed into allowing them to do it. Nobody understood her needs, including herself. Or, is it the woman I've become who is looking at those past events with the intention of becoming healthy and whole? The woman I am today does have the ability to accept, integrate and the tools to let go of self-harming patterns of behavior.

The question of what to bring into the future is looking at the contents of my life experience and in the present moment choosing what I want to bring into my future. Do I want to bring the Brooks forward who eats sugar and coffee in the morning or do I want to bring healthier habits forward, supporting my ongoing physical health and mental well being?

Then there is the striving for integration which has to do with loosening the tight parameters of mind, and accepting aspects of my past that are hard to swallow.

So in choosing a path forward, I do not want to leave myself behind. The person I have learned to be up to now has something good to bring forward. It seems to come back to acceptance, which isn't always easy.

Yet there are things I want to leave behind, like automatic responses based on psychological fear and insecurity. I can stand proudly in my own feet.

I'd like to learn to stand on my feet in my life apart from yoga as strongly and as well as I've learned to on my yoga mat. I think that some might say the whole life is yoga, and I heartily agree. However, I am stepping into the next aspect of my own path which is looking to harmonize aspects of my life that appear to be off the mark, not working or not fitting with the vision or dream I have for myself right now.

Yogi Identity

The third paragraph of the intro to Light on Yoga is very short:

“One who follows the path of Yoga is a yogi or yogin.”
-by B.K.S. Iyengar

When I was a kid I played with the yoga poses. Did that make me a yogi? I think not. Someone could be a “yogi” without ever having studied a formal yoga technique. When someone lives their life with effort towards living up to what is best in that person, they could be called a yogi for being on a path of aligning with a larger truth, or a connected life. And another person might be able to move their body through a series of postures and not necessarily be a yogi. They might be off the “path of Yoga” if they were ignoring a call to listen inward and grow greater.

The “path of Yoga” is a path of discipline and excellence. It’s about seeing what needs to be done, and making the physical changes required to accommodate this inspiration.

Choosing the “path of Yoga” is a continual process. As I go through my day, some of my choices are in line with what is best. And some things I might do automatically, without consciousness. So to be a yogi means to constantly choose the best course of action for every moment.

Yoga technique is helpful to cultivate health, and to purify one’s awareness. If we mistake automatic responses for conscious decisions we cannot effectively live in line with a sense of connection and purpose.

Being a yogi is a dynamic path of action—a “yoga butt” has nothing to do with it. American culture is so obsessed with appearance and sexuality that someone could easily be confused about yoga from all the sexy ads depicting “yoga”. Yoga is also a capacity for stillness, peace, and inner awareness.

The path of yoga looks different for each individual. In fact there might be times where you need to move through life with ignorance, to help you learn how to align with your truth through comparison and contrast. Like I might have to eat enough junk food to learn how bad it feels, and then compare that to how it feels to eat healthier. The contrast can provide information that helps me make better choices going forward. I can choose to become more conscious of my diet or I can automatically eat whatever is around.

Even the choice of diet can affect our ability to live in line with what is best in us.

I think my “path of Yoga” began when I started to make decisions for myself. It has not been consistent. There have been choices made with clarity, and things I have done that were totally clouded with jealousy, fear, anger or sadness. This is just the truth of the process. I learn as I go.