Violence and Disappointment

It's actually very scientific, if you want to go there: the world is bigger than the one I want. To live in truth rather than the deluded one that is orchestrated by what I desire, it is necessary to see the larger world. The world orchestrated by my desires is a pretty biased place. Another woman I know who is able to do more advanced yoga poses would just disappear in the world of my desires because I want to be the best, and when I see someone showing me that I am not the center of attention, and the most loved woman in the room I feel my attention narrowing and my eyes hardening because I don't want to see that someone else is the most appreciated person in the room. The larger truth is that we are all in this life together, and I judge my reaction as violent. My inner executioner is there saying, "no" to what I am seeing, and on the sidelines is my inner teacher who is telling me that I should celebrate the accomplishments of this other woman. But, sometimes it seems that I am not capable of aligning with the "good girl" side. I want success.

When I want to be a better person it is a violent relationship with myself--and I really do want to be better so I am in conflict with myself as I am now. I am also disappointed when I'm not the best. When I want to be better my wanting also makes me competitive with others because they give me a way to measure myself. I can fight them. It's more tangible than fighting myself. But, it's really a problem I have with myself that becomes externalized when someone seems to embody something I want. So the problem is me.

Can't I be more than the sum of my desires and ambitions? Isn't it possible for people to come together and share a sense of awe about how amazing this experience of living is? Can't we come together in appreciation of one another and see the gifts everybody has as individuals and that we share together as a group?

The world, when I look at it through the filter of what I want, is constant disappointment--not because I don't get what I want; I often do. But the world is a big place with big problems. It's not what I want. I want a world where people care about each other across family lines, and across peoples of different races, genders, ethnicities, socioeconomic levels, and religious beliefs. I want a world where nature is honored, rather than destroyed. So I'm disappointed. And I'm violent because I'm not at peace with myself.

So in going forward when I notice my eyes narrowing and my body hardening in resistance because I see someone who embodies what I want, I plan to acknowledge that I see something I want. I have a desire, and it's okay to have a desire--totally natural. I can work towards what I want, and be okay with myself. This is the experience: moving through time, and things are changing.

Support for Change

Many yoga practitioners say that when they come to a class they work harder than when they practice at home. Somehow it can be harder to maintain motivation to do a full practice at home. Maybe we come home tired, or there are too many distractions.

The support of having a teacher and fellow students working really gets me going. Even listening to energizing music can help. Having support makes making change more natural. Support helps create space for change.

When a person starts on the path of yoga, whether they know it or not they are on a path of change. This could be because change is the truth of experience. It also could be because when a person is practicing yoga it’s harder to hide from the truth. The body feels different. I became aware of myself in a different way when I committed to my yoga practice.

I learned to become myself in a different way when I got into yoga. Before yoga my attention was on pleasing others. Then, my attention shifted to getting to know myself. And now I want to learn how I can connect more deeply with others, keeping my sense of myself intact.

This is a place where I must give myself support. Nobody else can really know what is best for me, except me. Only I know. Yet, there have been times in my life when I have wanted to give that away. It was much easier to focus on someone else. But, when I have done that it left a vacancy inside myself. And I now feel that it does myself a disservice to the extent that it’s almost criminal.

I came here with a particular take on life, and my experiences have further guided me into a sense of myself that I have to honor. If I don’t it’s a waste of myself. It’s my birthright to be me, even though at times it has been hard for me to accept the responsibility.

I think the level of self-rejection I used to have is unique, yet a part of me doubts this thought. In the past, the most important thing was pleasing other people (as I mentioned earlier). Seeing the smiling look of approval on the face of another was like hitting the emotional jackpot. Or, hearing the words, “good, Brooks” sent my spirit soaring. I’m more suspicious of these patterned reactions, now.

The impersonal format of a group yoga class gave me the support I needed to have quality time with myself. I started to wake up. During the period of time I’m thinking about, I was practicing Ashtanga yoga. Somehow the support of those teachers, and the repetition of the classes, as well as the quietness of the Mysore-style practice provided a fertile ground for transformation within myself.

I don’t know how else I might have found myself in the chaos of this world.

A friend made an observation when I remembered a detail of what I heard him say last week. He had forgotten that he had mentioned it to me, so when I said it he was a little freaked out, like I was psychic or something. I shared that I had only remembered what he said, and that I tend to remember what people say. He responded by saying that it must mean less space for me with other people’s thoughts bouncing around in my head.

And eureka! Maybe that’s why many people don’t really listen or remember what others say, because they feel that they’ll loose that space for themselves.

I think (not being a brain scientist) that we have infinite capacity to hear others. The feeling of tight brain space is an illusion that can be remedied by a regular practice of letting go, like yoga. Listening is a wonderful and priceless gift we can give another being.

To be able to support another by listening can help that person locate their self. Listening in this way provides space in the chaos of life, space to flourish, room to change.